Are You Doing the Opposite of What Your Relationship Needs?

Why couples repeat the same relationship patterns—and how fear, protection, polarity and the tension between “Me” and “We” can unintentionally create the distance you're trying to prevent. Relational Life Therapy: Terry Real

What if the thing you're doing to get closer to your partner is actually pushing them away?

You want connection, so you pursue.

They feel pressured, so they withdraw.

You feel rejected, so you pursue harder.

They pull away further.

Now you're both experiencing the very thing neither of you wanted.

You want closeness. They're creating distance. You pursue more. They withdraw more.

But what if neither of you is actually trying to create disconnection?

What if you're both responding to fear?

At Merkl Marriage Counselling, I use "Relationship Karma" as a lens for understanding a relational paradox:

We can repeatedly use a strategy to protect an important need while that same strategy unintentionally creates the very outcome we're trying to prevent.

It isn't punishment. It isn't fate. It isn't about blaming yourself.

It's about recognizing a pattern—so you can create a different one.

🔄 When Your Solution Becomes Part of the Problem

Your need and your strategy for meeting that need are not the same thing.

Your need may be completely legitimate.

Your strategy may simply have unintended consequences.

“I need connection.”

→ I pursue, question, or demand reassurance.→ My partner feels pressured.→ They withdraw.→ I feel even more alone.→ I pursue harder.

“I need respect.”

→ I correct, control, criticize, or fight to be right.→ My partner resists.→ I experience their resistance as disrespect.→ I become more controlling.

“I need safety.”

→ I monitor, question, or demand certainty.→ My partner feels distrusted.→ They become less open.→ I feel even less safe.

“I want desire.”

→ I pressure for affection, sex, or reassurance.→ Intimacy begins to feel like an obligation.→ Desire becomes harder to access.→ I feel rejected.→ I pressure more.

Notice the pattern.

The need isn't necessarily the problem. Sometimes the protective strategy is.

You don't have to shame yourself for needing love, safety, respect, affection, autonomy or reassurance.

The deeper question is:

How am I trying to get it—and what is my strategy creating between us?

🪞 The Relationship Karma™ Question

When you're caught in a repeating conflict, don't ask only:

“Why isn't my partner giving me what I need?”

Ask:

1. What do I need?

Safety? Respect? Connection? Desire? Autonomy? Reassurance?

2. What am I doing to get it?

Am I pursuing? Controlling? Criticizing? Withdrawing? Defending? Demanding? Avoiding?

3. Is my strategy moving us toward what I need—or accidentally creating the opposite?

That third question can interrupt the cycle.

Because sometimes:

Pursuing connection creates distance.

Demanding reassurance creates defensiveness.

Fighting for respect creates resistance.

Protecting yourself from rejection creates emotional unavailability.

Trying to control uncertainty creates less safety.

Pressuring for intimacy creates less desire.

The goal isn't to stop having needs.

The goal is to develop ways of responding that serve the relationship rather than the fear underneath the response.

🛡️ What Is Your Protection Trying to Protect?

Relationship patterns often make more sense when we look beneath the behaviour.

Anger may protect hurt.

Criticism may protect disappointment.

Control may protect fear.

Withdrawal may protect vulnerability.

Pursuing may protect against abandonment.

Being right may protect against feeling powerless.

Hyper-independence may protect against dependence.

Over-functioning may protect against feeling unneeded.

So instead of asking only:

“How do I stop doing this?”

ask:

“What is this behaviour trying to protect?”

And then:

“Is this protection still serving me—or has it become part of the cycle?”

This is where awareness begins.

⚖️ The Need Is Not the Same as the Strategy

This distinction is one of the most important ideas in Relationship Karma.

Imagine someone says:

“I need to feel loved.”

That need deserves compassion.

But the strategy might be:

“Then you need to text me constantly.”

Or:

“You need to prove you love me.”

Or:

“If you loved me, you would never need space.”

The underlying need may be understandable.

But the strategy can create pressure, resentment or distance.

Likewise:

“I need autonomy.”

That need can be healthy.

But a strategy of disappearing, refusing communication or treating every request for connection as control can create insecurity and disconnection.

Healthy needs can still be pursued through unhealthy strategies.

That doesn't make the person bad.

It means there is an opportunity for greater choice.

🌓 Are You Fighting Your Partner's Difference—or Learning From It?

This is where Relationship Karma™ becomes especially interesting when we look at polarity and difference.

Two people can genuinely experience relationships differently.

One may regulate through closeness.

Another through space.

One may process emotions by talking.

Another may need time before speaking.

One may feel loved through affection.

Another may express love primarily through action.

One may value spontaneity.

Another may need predictability.

One may reach for connection under stress.

Another may need autonomy before reconnecting.

The difference isn't automatically the problem.

Fear can turn difference into threat.

The partner seeking connection may think:

“If you loved me, you'd come closer.”

The partner seeking space may think:

“If you respected me, you'd give me room.”

Both can become increasingly certain that the other person is the problem.

Then the cycle intensifies:

Difference → Threat → Protection → Counter-protection → Disconnection

⚖️ The “Me” and the “We”

Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy offers another useful lens for understanding this tension: the movement from individualistic thinking toward relational thinking.

Individualistic thinking can sound like:

“What do I want?” “What do I need?” “Why should I have to change?”

Relational thinking asks a wider question:

“What is happening between us—and what serves the relationship as a whole?”

This does not mean abandoning yourself.

Healthy relationships still require:

boundaries • individuality • needs • desires • self-respect

But they also require:

responsiveness • mutuality • consideration • relational responsibility

The goal isn't:

Me → We

It is:

Me + You → Us

And either partner can become more individualistic or more relational depending on the situation. These aren't fixed male or female identities.

Under stress, however, couples can become polarized.

One partner may say:

“I need you to come closer.”

The other:

“I need you to back off.”

The more one pursues connection, the more the other protects autonomy.

The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues.

Eventually, both partners can become increasingly extreme versions of the position they started with.

The more “Me” one partner becomes, the more “We” the other may demand.

And sometimes the pattern reverses.

The deeper question isn't:

“Which one of us is right?”

It's:

“Have our differences become complementary—or threatening?”

🔥 Polarity Doesn't Mean Becoming Stereotypes

Polarity is sometimes reduced to:

“Men should behave this way, and women should behave that way.”

Relationships are more complex than that.

Healthy polarity doesn't require rigid gender roles.

Partners can have different energies, strengths, needs and ways of relating—and either partner can move between autonomy and connection depending on the situation.

The goal isn't to eliminate difference.

It isn't to force one partner into a prescribed role.

Instead, healthy difference can become complementary when both people have enough security and flexibility to appreciate what the other brings.

You don't have to become the same to become connected.

Sometimes the relationship becomes stronger when each person can maintain their individuality while remaining emotionally available to the relationship.

🔄 Why Do Couples Keep Having the Same Fight?

This is why couples can have the same emotional conflict through completely different topics.

Today it's:

Sex.

Tomorrow:

Money.

Next week:

Housework.

Then:

Parenting.

But beneath each argument may be questions such as:

“Do I matter to you?”

“Can I trust you?”

“Am I safe with you?”

“Do you respect me?”

“Will you choose me?”

“Can I be myself and still belong here?”

The topic changes.

The pattern may not.

For example:

One partner pursues → the other withdraws → the pursuer feels abandoned → pursues harder → the withdrawer feels pressured → withdraws further.

This is one form of the demand-withdraw pattern, a relationship dynamic that has been studied in couples research.

That's one reason couples can argue about different subjects while feeling like:

“We're having the same fight again.”

🧠 Relationship Karma™ in Action

Imagine:

Partner A needs connection.

They pursue.

Partner B needs autonomy.

They withdraw.

Partner A thinks:

“You're abandoning me.”

So they pursue harder.

Partner B thinks:

“You're controlling me.”

So they withdraw further.

Now:

Partner A's fear of abandonment increases.

Partner B's fear of being controlled increases.

Each partner's behaviour appears to confirm the other's fear.

The loop becomes:

Fear → Protection → Partner Reaction → Confirmation → More Protection

Neither person has to be malicious for the cycle to become destructive.

The cycle itself becomes the problem.

🧩 What Does Your Protective Archetype Do?

This is where the Merkl Relationship Archetype Quiz can take the conversation deeper.

Your archetype isn't a diagnosis.

It isn't a box.

And it doesn't define who you are.

It can be a doorway into asking:

“What do I tend to do when connection feels threatened?”

You may pursue.

You may withdraw.

You may control.

You may become hyper-independent.

You may fight to be right.

You may over-function and try to fix everything.

Different strategies.

Similar purpose: protection.

And sometimes the strategy that makes you feel safer can create the relational response you fear most.

That is where your archetype meets Relationship Karma.

What is my protective pattern trying to accomplish—and what might it unintentionally create?

🐺 Fear vs. Faith™: Which Direction Are You Choosing?

Relationship Karma also connects naturally with the Fear vs. Faith™ lens.

🥀 FEAR MODE

Fear → Anger → Blame → Protection → Control → Resentment → Disconnection

Fear asks:

“How do I protect myself from what my partner is doing?”

✨ FAITH MODE

Courage → Vulnerability → Responsibility → Compassion → Connection → Love

Faith asks:

“What can I understand, own and choose differently?”

Faith doesn't mean ignoring problems.

It doesn't mean trusting someone who has repeatedly violated trust without repair.

It doesn't mean tolerating abuse, intimidation, coercion or unhealthy behaviour.

And it doesn't mean taking responsibility for someone else's choices.

Faith is not blind trust.

It is the willingness to choose a healthier response without pretending the problem isn't real.

🪞 Responsibility Is Not Blame

This distinction matters.

Relationship Karma™ should never mean:

“You caused your partner's behaviour.”

You are responsible for your choices.

Your partner is responsible for theirs.

If someone lies, betrays, intimidates, abuses, controls or repeatedly violates boundaries, you did not cause those choices by responding imperfectly.

Relational responsibility means asking:

“What is mine to understand, own or change?”

while still maintaining appropriate boundaries around:

“What belongs to my partner?”

Responsibility gives you agency. Blame takes it away.

You don't have to take responsibility for everything.

You can take responsibility for your participation in the pattern.

🧭 Relationship Karma™ and The Merkl Relationship Map™

This is where Relationship Karma™ fits into The Merkl Relationship Map™ — Find Your Way From Fear to Connection.

🔴 FEAR — Protect

“I need to protect myself.”

Something feels threatening.

You defend.

You pursue.

You withdraw.

You control.

You fight.

You shut down.

↓

🟡 AWARENESS — Understand

“What's really happening between us?”

You stop looking only at your partner's behaviour.

You begin seeing the pattern between you.

↓

🟠 RESPONSIBILITY — Own

“What's mine to own?”

Not:

“Everything is my fault.”

But:

“What is my contribution to this cycle?”

↓

💗 CONNECTION — Reconnect

“Can we feel safe together?”

You begin responding to the person underneath the behaviour.

↓

❤️ INTIMACY — Become Close

“Can we stay open despite our differences?”

You practice vulnerability, responsiveness and mutuality.

↓

✨ FAITH — Trust & Choose

“What healthier response can I choose now?”

You recognize:

“I cannot control my partner. I can choose how I participate in our relationship.”

That is the movement from protection to possibility.

🌱 Your Pattern Isn't Your Destiny

You may have learned your protective strategy long before this relationship.

It may once have helped you cope with disappointment, rejection, conflict or uncertainty.

But a strategy that once protected you may not be the strategy your relationship needs today.

So instead of asking:

“What's wrong with me?”

ask:

“What did I learn to do to feel safe—and does that strategy still serve the relationship I want to create?”

That's a very different question.

And it opens the door to change without shame.

❤️ What If Your Relationship Doesn't Need a Different Partner?

Sometimes the breakthrough isn't:

“My partner needs to change.”

It is:

“We need to change the pattern between us.”

That doesn't mean your partner has nothing to own.

It doesn't mean you should tolerate harmful behaviour.

It doesn't mean boundaries aren't necessary.

It means something important:

You don't have to wait for your partner to become perfect before you become intentional.

When you change your participation in a cycle, you create the possibility of a different response.

And sometimes that change reveals something important about the relationship too.

🪞 Five Questions That Can Interrupt Relationship Karma™

The next time you feel caught in the same conflict, pause.

1. What am I feeling?

Anger? Fear? Loneliness? Rejection? Disrespect? Shame?

2. What do I need underneath that feeling?

Connection? Safety? Autonomy? Respect? Reassurance? Affection? Desire?

3. What am I doing to get that need met?

Pursuing? Withdrawing? Controlling? Criticizing? Defending? Demanding? Avoiding?

4. What does my strategy invite from my partner?

Connection—or protection?

Openness—or defensiveness?

Desire—or pressure?

5. What could I choose instead?

Not:

"How do I make my partner change?”

But:

“What response would move us one step closer to the relationship I want?”

That's responsibility without self-blame.

💡 The Relationship Karma™ Question to Remember

The next time you're frustrated with your partner, pause before asking:

“Why don't you give me what I need?”

Ask:

“Could something I'm doing to get what I need be creating the opposite?”

Don't use the question to blame yourself.

Use it to become curious.

Because sometimes the breakthrough isn't discovering who is wrong.

It's discovering that:

The pattern has a pattern.

And once you can see it,

you can begin to choose differently.

🧭 Where Are You on The Merkl Relationship Map™?

Every relationship gets stuck somewhere.

Sometimes you're protecting.

Sometimes you're becoming aware.

Sometimes you're learning to take responsibility.

Sometimes you're trying to reconnect.

Sometimes you're rebuilding intimacy.

Sometimes you're deciding whether you can trust again and choose a different future.

The question isn't:

“Who is the problem?”

It's:

“Where are we stuck—and what would help us move?”

That's the purpose of The Merkl Relationship Map™.

Find Your Way From Fear to Connection.

❤️ When You Can't Break the Pattern Alone

Understanding your relationship pattern intellectually doesn't always make it easy to change.

Couples can become caught in deeply established cycles where both people genuinely want something different but continue reacting in familiar ways.

Couples counselling can provide a place to slow the cycle down, understand what's underneath it, identify each person's responsibility, strengthen communication and practice new ways of responding.

At Merkl Marriage Counselling, the goal isn't to decide who is right or wrong.

It's to help you understand what is happening between you and explore a path toward greater safety, responsibility, connection, intimacy and trust.

You don't have to keep walking the same relationship cycle.

🧭 Explore The Merkl Relationship Map™

Find Your Way From Fear to Connection.

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About Relationship Karma

Relationship Karma is a Merkl Marriage Counselling lens—not a diagnosis or established psychological theory.

It describes a common relational paradox: the protective strategies we use to meet important needs can sometimes unintentionally create the very outcome we are trying to avoid.

The concept is informed by relationship-focused perspectives on attachment, interactional cycles, autonomy and connection, relational responsibility and polarity, including ideas associated with Terry Real's relational approach.

About the Author

Simone Merkl, Registered Therapeutic Counsellor

Simone Merkl is the founder of Merkl Marriage Counselling, supporting couples as they work through relationship conflict, disconnection, intimacy challenges, betrayal and recurring patterns. Her relationship-focused approach draws from evidence-informed couples therapy perspectives and emphasizes understanding the pattern between partners—not simply identifying who is at fault.