When Being Right Becomes More Important Than Being Close
Relationship Counselling Online BC
Have you ever been so convinced you're right about your relationship that you've stopped trying to understand your partner's perspective?
Perhaps you believe you're the more reasonable one, the more emotionally aware one, or the one who knows what needs to change.
You may be right about some of the problems. But being right about what's wrong doesn't mean your approach is helping make things right.
The superiority trap: Placing yourself above your partner
Relationship therapist Terry Real explores how couples can adopt a one-up position, where one partner places themselves above the other, or a one-down position, where one feels inferior. Healthy relating moves towards a same-as position, where both partners recognize their equal worth.
Superiority can sound like:
“I'm the only one who understands what's wrong.”
“My partner is too sensitive or unreasonable.”
“I shouldn't have to explain something so obvious.”
“I'm better at relationships than they are.”
“If they would just listen to me, we'd be fine.”
It can also show up as sarcasm, constant correction, dismissing feelings, or assuming your perspective is the only reasonable one.
You may believe you're helping by pointing out what your partner needs to change. But when they repeatedly feel judged or belittled, closeness becomes harder to build.
Superiority may protect you from feeling hurt, vulnerable, or wrong. Yet your partner may respond by defending themselves, fighting back, or withdrawing—reinforcing your belief that they're the problem.
You may win the argument and still lose the connection.
What's underneath the need to be right?
Beneath superiority, there may be hurt, fear, shame, disappointment, or a need to feel in control.
Instead of saying, “I'm hurt, and I don't know how to reach you,” a person may criticize or lecture. Instead of admitting, “I feel unimportant,” they may insist that their partner is the one who needs to change.
Understanding these reactions doesn't excuse contempt, intimidation, or disrespect. It helps us recognize what needs to change.
The question isn't whether you're capable or sometimes right. It's whether you can recognize your partner's equal worth even when you disagree.
From the Adaptive Child to the Functional Adult
Protective responses can become automatic when we feel threatened or misunderstood. Terry Real's work explores how learned protective patterns can interfere with adult intimacy. The Adaptive Child and Functional Adult provide a useful teaching lens for distinguishing reactive self-protection from more intentional, relational choices.
Adaptive Child: protecting myself | Functional Adult: building connection |
“I'm right, and you're the problem.” | “My perspective matters, and yours matters too.” |
“I shouldn't have to listen to this.” | “I can listen without agreeing.” |
“Your feelings are ridiculous.” | “I see this differently, but I want to understand.” |
“You need to change first.” | “What can I take responsibility for?” |
“I need to prove I'm right.” | “I want to understand what's happening between us.” |
The goal isn't to give in, silence yourself, or accept harmful behaviour. It's to stand up for yourself without placing yourself above your partner.
You can have boundaries without contempt. You can disagree without humiliating. You can recognize your strengths without treating your partner as inferior.
From “Me” to “We”
A healthy relationship doesn't require you to abandon your individuality. It asks you to recognize that both people's needs matter.
Instead of asking, “How do I make my partner see that I'm right?” ask yourself:
What am I feeling beneath my need to prove my point?
Have I genuinely tried to understand my partner?
Can I acknowledge their feelings without pretending to agree?
What can I take responsibility for without taking responsibility for everything?
These questions aren't about assuming both partners are equally responsible for every problem. They're about identifying what you can influence while maintaining boundaries and expecting mutual respect.
I matter. We matter. Love learns to hold both.
How superiority can leave you feeling lonely
When superiority replaces curiosity, partners can stop feeling like equals. One may feel entitled to judge or direct, while the other feels dismissed or unheard. Both may become more protective, and the emotional distance grows.
This is the Merkl Relationship Paradox™: the strategies we use to protect ourselves can unintentionally reinforce the very disconnection we fear.
The way forward isn't to decide who is the better person. It's to recognize the pattern, take responsibility for your own behaviour, and determine whether both partners are willing to work towards a more respectful, connected relationship.
You don't have to agree on everything to feel close. You do need room for both people to matter.
You are not each other's enemy. The pattern may be the problem. Change begins with recognizing what you can influence.
Frequently Asked Questions About Loneliness and Superiority in Marriage
Why do I feel lonely in my marriage when we're still together?
You may share a home and daily responsibilities but lack emotional connection, affection, meaningful conversation, or the feeling that your partner understands you. Loneliness can grow when unresolved conflict and protective reactions make it difficult to be open with each other.
Can being right damage a relationship?
Being right about a particular issue doesn't automatically damage a relationship. The problem arises when the need to be right becomes more important than listening, respect, or understanding. Criticism, contempt, and dismissing your partner's feelings can create distance even when your concern is legitimate.
What does Terry Real mean by one-up and one-down behaviour?
In Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy framework, one-up describes taking a superior position, while one-down describes taking an inferior position. Both can interfere with equal, respectful relating. The goal is to move towards a same-as position in which both partners' perspectives and worth matter.
What is the difference between the Adaptive Child and the Functional Adult?
These terms can help explain the difference between automatic protective reactions and more intentional responses. The Adaptive Child represents learned reactions that may emerge under stress; the Functional Adult represents the ability to pause, consider the situation, take responsibility, and respond thoughtfully. This comparison is used here as an educational lens, not as a diagnostic test.
Can I change my relationship if my partner won't go to counselling?
You can begin individually. Counselling can help you understand your own responses, clarify your needs, establish boundaries, and explore how you might approach recurring relationship patterns differently. You cannot make your partner participate or repair a relationship entirely on your own, but you can gain clarity about your options.
Can marriage counselling help us reconnect?
Counselling can help couples identify recurring patterns, improve how they discuss difficult issues, and develop more constructive ways of responding to each other. Progress depends on the circumstances, safety, and willingness of those involved; counselling cannot guarantee a particular outcome.
Where can I find marriage counselling in Langley or online across BC?
Merkl Marriage Counselling offers relationship and marriage counselling in Langley, British Columbia, at CAVE Cure & Therapies, as well as online counselling across BC. Couples can explore recurring conflict, emotional disconnection, communication difficulties, trust, and intimacy. If your partner isn't ready to attend, you can ask about beginning with an individual session.
Feeling Lonely in Your Marriage? You Can Start Here.
You don't have to wait until your relationship reaches a breaking point to seek support.
At Merkl Marriage Counselling, we help individuals and couples understand the patterns that keep them stuck and explore practical ways to move from protection towards connection.
Whether you're arguing repeatedly, feeling emotionally distant, or unsure how to reach your partner, you can begin by understanding what's happening and what you can influence.
Marriage and relationship counselling in Langley, BC, and online across British Columbia.
Book a free 20-minute consultation to discuss your concerns and explore whether counselling may be a helpful next step.
You can attend together, or begin individually if your partner isn't ready.
Merkl Marriage Counselling — From Protection to Connection.
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