WHAT DOES TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AFTER AN AFFAIR REALLY MEAN?
Moving Beyond Explanation and Justification Toward Understanding the Impact of Your Choices
“I said I was sorry. What else am I supposed to do?”
“I didn't mean for this to happen.”
“I was unhappy in the marriage.”
“I felt lonely.”
“We had been disconnected for years.”
“I never planned for it to go this far.”
“I love my partner. I made a terrible mistake.”
These statements may contain pieces of the truth.
But after an affair, there is an important difference between explaining what happened and taking responsibility for what you chose.
Your partner may need to understand why the affair happened.
But before that explanation can become useful, there is often a more important question:
Can you fully understand the impact of your choices without turning the explanation into an excuse?
Taking responsibility does not mean saying:
“Everything wrong in our relationship was my fault.”
It means becoming specific about what was yours.
The secrecy.
The choices.
The boundaries that were crossed.
The lies or omissions.
The decisions made along the way.
And the impact those decisions had on someone who trusted you.
An affair is not repaired by finding the perfect explanation.
Repair begins when explanation stops being used to escape responsibility.
WHAT DOES “TAKING RESPONSIBILITY” ACTUALLY MEAN?
Responsibility is more than saying:
“I made a mistake.”
It means being willing to look honestly at:
what you chose
what you concealed
what boundaries you crossed
what you told yourself to make the choices feel acceptable
how your choices affected your partner
what you understand now that you didn't understand then
what needs to change so the same pattern is less likely to happen again
It also means being willing to hear something difficult:
Your intention does not erase your impact.
You may not have intended to devastate your partner.
You may not have intended to destroy trust.
You may not have intended for the relationship to reach this point.
But your choices still had consequences.
Responsibility means being willing to face those consequences without making your partner responsible for making them easier for you.
EXPLANATION IS NOT JUSTIFICATION
This distinction can change everything.
You may be able to explain why the affair became possible.
Maybe you felt disconnected.
Maybe you were struggling with resentment.
Maybe you felt unwanted.
Maybe you were avoiding difficult conversations.
Maybe you were seeking validation.
Maybe you were angry.
Maybe you were lonely.
Maybe you were attracted to someone else.
Maybe you were looking for escape.
Maybe there were problems in the relationship that had been unresolved for years.
Those things may help explain the context.
But:
Context is not permission.
Dissatisfaction is not permission.
Loneliness is not permission.
Feeling rejected is not permission.
Relationship problems are not permission.
There were other choices available.
A person can be deeply unhappy in a relationship and still choose honesty.
They can ask for change.
They can set boundaries.
They can seek counselling.
They can leave.
They can have difficult conversations.
They can say:
“Something is seriously wrong between us, and I don't know how to continue this way.”
Responsibility means recognizing that an affair was not simply something that happened to you.
You made choices within a situation.
“BUT OUR MARRIAGE HAD PROBLEMS”
It may have.
Many relationships have problems before an affair occurs.
There may have been:
emotional distance
resentment
sexual disconnection
repeated conflict
loneliness
communication problems
unresolved hurt
feeling unappreciated
feeling controlled
feeling rejected
years of avoiding difficult conversations
Those issues may deserve serious attention.
But there are two separate questions:
What was happening in our relationship?
and
What did I choose to do about it?
Keeping those questions separate is important.
You can eventually explore the relationship problems without using them to erase responsibility for the affair.
Both partners can have relationship work to do without both partners being equally responsible for the betrayal.
That distinction protects both people from two extremes:
Blame everything on the betrayed partner.
or
Pretend the relationship had no problems before the affair.
Neither is necessary.
You can tell the truth about both.
RESPONSIBILITY IS SPECIFIC
One of the most important shifts is moving away from vague guilt.
Guilt can sound like:
“I'm a terrible person.”
“I'm the worst husband/wife/partner.”
“I ruin everything.”
“I don't deserve my family.”
Those statements may feel like accountability.
But they can actually keep the focus on your feelings about yourself.
Responsibility sounds different.
“I lied.”
“I hid the relationship.”
“I crossed a boundary.”
“I continued after I knew it was becoming inappropriate.”
“I made choices that I knew I couldn't honestly tell my partner about.”
“I understand that my partner's sense of safety was damaged by what I did.”
“I need to understand what allowed me to make those choices.”
Specific responsibility creates somewhere to go.
Shame often creates nowhere to go.
Responsibility asks: What did I do, and what will I do differently?
SHAME IS NOT THE SAME AS RESPONSIBILITY
This distinction matters because shame can sometimes become another form of self-protection.
You may feel:
“I'm horrible.”
Your partner may respond:
“That's not what I'm saying.”
Now the conversation has shifted.
Instead of talking about the impact of the affair, your partner may find themselves comforting you.
That can unintentionally move the emotional burden away from the person who was hurt.
Responsibility allows you to feel guilt without making your partner responsible for relieving it.
You can say:
“I feel ashamed of what I did.”
And still remain present with:
“I know my shame isn't the same thing as understanding your pain.”
That is a very different kind of accountability.
“I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU”
You may genuinely mean this.
But your partner may hear:
“If I didn't intend to hurt you, why are you still so hurt?”
The answer is that impact doesn't require harmful intent.
You may not have intended the sleepless nights.
The intrusive questions.
The loss of confidence.
The suspicion.
The grief.
The uncertainty about the future.
The questioning of old memories.
The fear that there may be another secret.
The feeling of not knowing who you were married to.
You may not have intended any of that.
But it happened.
Taking responsibility means becoming willing to understand the impact without arguing that your intentions should cancel it.
YOUR PARTNER'S PAIN IS NOT A PUNISHMENT
After an affair, the betrayed partner may experience anger.
They may ask questions.
They may cry.
They may need reassurance.
They may struggle to trust.
They may have good days followed by difficult days.
They may become triggered by something you consider insignificant.
That can be difficult.
Especially when you are already carrying guilt or shame.
But there is a difference between:
“My partner is hurting because of what I did.”
and
“My partner is allowed to hurt me forever because I did it.”
Accountability does not mean accepting abuse.
It does not mean surrendering all boundaries.
It does not mean agreeing to endless humiliation.
It does mean being able to tolerate your partner's legitimate pain without immediately making their pain about your discomfort.
If conversations repeatedly become hostile, threatening or unsafe, professional support can help create healthier boundaries around how difficult conversations happen.
WHAT DOES A REAL APOLOGY SOUND LIKE?
A meaningful apology is more than:
“I'm sorry you feel hurt.”
Or:
“I'm sorry, but we were already disconnected.”
Or:
“I'm sorry it happened.”
Or:
“I'm sorry you found out this way.”
A stronger apology becomes specific.
It can acknowledge:
What I did.
What I hid.
What boundary I crossed.
What impact I can see now.
What I understand differently.
What I am prepared to change.
And importantly:
What I am not going to ask you to carry for me.
An apology does not have to be perfect.
But it should move toward responsibility rather than away from it.
“I'M SORRY” IS THE BEGINNING—NOT THE ENTIRE REPAIR
You can sincerely regret what happened.
Your partner can sincerely hear your apology.
And trust can still be broken.
That's because an apology addresses words.
Repair has to reach behaviour.
Your partner may eventually need to see:
honesty instead of secrecy
consistency instead of promises
empathy instead of defensiveness
boundaries instead of ambiguity
accountability instead of blame
patience instead of pressure
connection instead of avoidance
Trust is rebuilt through repeated experiences of what happens now.
Professional affair-recovery guidance similarly emphasizes that responsibility, truthful responses, empathy and demonstrated trustworthiness are central to rebuilding after betrayal.
WHAT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DID IT?
You don't need a perfectly packaged explanation before you can take responsibility.
Sometimes people can describe what happened more easily than they can explain why they allowed it to happen.
You may genuinely not understand:
“How did I become someone who did this?”
That question deserves exploration.
But be careful of turning:
“I don't understand yet.”
into:
“Therefore, I couldn't control it.”
Not knowing all the reasons behind your choices does not remove your responsibility for making them.
Understanding can come later.
Accountability can begin now.
LOOKING AT THE MOMENTS BEFORE THE AFFAIR
Responsibility becomes deeper when you stop viewing the affair as one isolated event.
Instead, ask:
What choices came before it?
When did boundaries begin to change?
When did secrecy begin?
When did you start telling yourself that something was harmless when you knew it wasn't?
When did you stop bringing concerns into the relationship?
When did you start seeking emotional validation elsewhere?
When did you cross a line?
When did you have an opportunity to stop?
When did you choose not to?
This isn't about creating a courtroom transcript of every moment.
It is about developing enough awareness to recognize the path that led there.
Because if you don't understand the pattern, saying:
“I'll never do that again.”
may not be enough.
RESPONSIBILITY MEANS LOOKING AT YOUR BLIND SPOTS
Most people do not wake up one morning and say:
“Today I am going to destroy trust in my relationship.”
There can be a series of smaller decisions.
A conversation that becomes secret.
A boundary that gets blurred.
A message that gets deleted.
A private emotional connection that starts feeling special.
A justification:
“We're just friends.”
Another:
“My partner doesn't understand me anyway.”
Another:
“Nothing has happened.”
Then:
“It's already too late to stop.”
Understanding these moments can reveal the places where you abandoned your own values before the affair became visible.
That is where responsibility becomes transformative.
Not:
“I'm a bad person.”
But:
“I can see where I stopped acting in alignment with the person I want to be.”
RESPONSIBILITY ALSO MEANS ASKING: WHAT DID I NEED TO LEARN ABOUT MYSELF?
This is where accountability becomes more than punishment.
You may need to understand:
how you respond to conflict
how you handle rejection
how you manage loneliness
how you seek validation
how you handle attraction outside the relationship
how you set boundaries
how you communicate dissatisfaction
how you respond when you feel unseen
how you deal with resentment
how you avoid difficult conversations
how you rationalize behaviour you know is questionable
The goal isn't to discover an excuse.
It is to discover a pattern.
Because the question isn't only:
“Why did I have the affair?”
It can also become:
“What do I need to understand about myself so I don't keep repeating the choices that led here?”
WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER HAD A ROLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS?
This is where responsibility can become complicated.
Perhaps your partner withdrew.
Perhaps they criticized you.
Perhaps intimacy disappeared.
Perhaps you felt rejected for years.
Perhaps you repeatedly asked for change and felt ignored.
Those experiences matter.
You don't have to pretend they didn't happen.
But there is a difference between saying:
“Our relationship had serious problems.”
and:
“Those problems caused me to have an affair.”
The first can be an honest description.
The second can turn relationship context into justification.
You can say:
“I was deeply unhappy.”
And also:
“I still had choices about what I did with that unhappiness.”
That is responsibility.
YOU CAN OWN YOUR PART WITHOUT OWNING EVERYTHING
Taking responsibility does not mean:
“Everything was my fault.”
It also doesn't mean:
“My partner had no responsibility for any problems in our relationship.”
It means:
“I will take responsibility for what belongs to me.”
Your partner's communication patterns may belong to them.
Your choices belong to you.
Their boundaries belong to them.
Your boundaries belong to you.
Their healing belongs to them.
Your accountability belongs to you.
Their decision about whether to stay belongs to them.
Your responsibility is to become honest about what you did and what you are willing to change.
That distinction can create much more clarity.
WHAT DOES RESPONSIBILITY LOOK LIKE IN PRACTICE?
It can look surprisingly ordinary.
It may mean:
Answering a difficult question without becoming defensive.
Telling the truth even when the truth is uncomfortable.
Not minimizing what happened.
Not blaming your partner for your choices.
Accepting that trust may take time.
Following through on agreements.
Keeping boundaries that protect the relationship.
Being transparent where appropriate.
Being willing to have difficult conversations.
Learning to recognize your own warning signs.
Seeking individual help when necessary.
Participating honestly in couples counselling.
Changing behaviour even when nobody is watching.
That last one matters.
Real accountability continues after the conversation ends.
ACCOUNTABILITY IS NOT PERFORMANCE
It is possible to learn all the right words.
You can say:
“I take full responsibility.”
“I understand your pain.”
“I'll never do it again.”
“I want to rebuild trust.”
Those words matter.
But eventually, your partner needs to experience something different.
Not because you have to perform remorse perfectly.
Because trust is built through evidence.
If you say you will call, call.
If you agree to a boundary, keep it.
If your partner asks a difficult question, don't automatically attack the questioner.
If you make a mistake, disclose it rather than waiting to be discovered.
If you notice an old pattern returning, address it.
If you don't know how to handle something, get help.
Your behaviour has to begin telling the same story as your words.
WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER DOESN'T TRUST YOU YET?
You may think:
“I've apologized. Why doesn't my partner believe me?”
Because trust cannot be demanded.
Your partner may need time to reconcile:
what you say now
with
what you did before.
That doesn't mean you are doomed.
It means words and experience may not yet match.
You cannot force someone to trust you.
You can create conditions in which trust has a chance to grow.
That means consistency.
Honesty.
Patience.
Responsiveness.
Boundaries.
Accountability.
And time.
THE PROTECTION WOLF™ CAN APPEAR ON BOTH SIDES
After an affair, the Protection Wolf™ can become very active.
For the betrayed partner:
“I need to protect myself from being fooled again.”
For the partner who had the affair:
“I need to protect myself from being seen as a terrible person.”
One may pursue answers.
The other may withdraw.
One may demand reassurance.
The other may become defensive.
One may criticize.
The other may shut down.
And suddenly the couple is fighting about the fight.
But underneath both reactions may be fear.
The betrayed partner may be protecting against another betrayal.
The partner who had the affair may be protecting against shame.
Understanding that pattern does not erase accountability.
It creates an opportunity to respond differently.
You are not each other's enemy. The pattern is.
But responsibility still matters.
FROM PROTECTION TO AWARENESS
This is where the Merkl Relationship Map™ can offer a different path.
PROTECTION
“I need to protect myself.”
Defend. Explain. Minimize. Withdraw. Attack. Hide.
↓
AWARENESS
“What am I actually doing right now?”
Notice the fear, shame, defensiveness or urge to escape.
↓
RESPONSIBILITY
“What is mine?”
Own the choices, secrecy, boundaries and impact that belong to you.
↓
CONNECTION
“Can I stay present with my partner instead of protecting myself from their reaction?”
Listen. Respond. Repair.
↓
INTIMACY
“Can we become emotionally close again?”
Closeness becomes possible when honesty and safety begin to return.
↓
LOVE
“What kind of relationship do I want to help create now?”
Not blind trust.
Not pretending the affair didn't happen.
A more intentional way of relating.
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE BRIDGE BETWEEN REGRET AND CHANGE
Regret says:
“I wish I hadn't done it.”
Responsibility says:
“I understand that I did it, I understand the impact, and I am willing to change what needs to change.”
That distinction is enormous.
You cannot undo the affair.
You cannot erase your partner's memories.
You cannot make them instantly trust you.
You cannot demand that they heal according to your preferred timeline.
But you can decide what kind of person you will be after what happened.
That is where responsibility becomes meaningful.
WHAT RESPONSIBILITY DOES NOT MEAN
Taking responsibility does not mean:
accepting abuse
agreeing that everything in the relationship was your fault
allowing your partner to punish you indefinitely
surrendering all personal boundaries
answering every question without limits
pretending your partner had no role in relationship problems
denying your own pain
living permanently in shame
guaranteeing that you will never make another mistake
promising an outcome you cannot control
Responsibility has boundaries.
You can be accountable without becoming self-destructive.
You can understand your partner's pain without agreeing with every accusation.
You can take ownership without losing yourself.
WHAT RESPONSIBILITY DOES MEAN
It means being able to say:
“I chose this.”
“I understand that it hurt you.”
“I won't make you responsible for why I did it.”
“I want to understand what allowed me to make those choices.”
“I want to understand the impact rather than argue with it.”
“I know an apology doesn't automatically restore trust.”
“I understand that my behaviour has to change.”
“I am willing to be consistent.”
“I am willing to have difficult conversations.”
“I am willing to look at myself honestly.”
“I cannot control whether you ultimately trust me or stay.”
“But I can control what I do from here.”
That is responsibility.
WHAT IF YOU'RE TRULY SORRY?
You may be.
You may hate what you did.
You may desperately want your old relationship back.
You may feel that one terrible decision does not represent the whole person you are.
All of that can be true.
But remorse becomes more meaningful when it changes behaviour.
Instead of only asking:
“How can I get my partner to stop being angry?”
ask:
“What does my partner need to experience from me to begin feeling safer?”
Instead of:
“When will they trust me again?”
ask:
“What can I consistently do that gives trust somewhere to grow?”
Instead of:
“How can I make this go away?”
ask:
“What do I need to understand so I don't repeat the pattern?”
Those are responsibility questions.
THE AFFAIR MAY HAVE STARTED WITH A CHOICE. REPAIR DOES TOO.
You may not be able to control what your partner ultimately decides.
You cannot control how quickly they heal.
You cannot control whether they forgive you.
You cannot control whether the relationship continues.
But you can control whether you keep choosing honesty.
Whether you keep choosing boundaries.
Whether you keep choosing responsibility.
Whether you keep choosing the relationship you say you want.
And whether you keep choosing to become more aware of yourself.
You cannot change what happened. You can change what happens next.
IF YOU WANT TO REBUILD TRUST
If you are the partner who had the affair, consider asking yourself:
What exactly did I do that damaged trust?
What did I hide, minimize or rationalize?
What choices did I make before the affair became visible?
Where did my boundaries change?
What was I telling myself that made my choices feel acceptable?
What impact do I understand now that I didn't understand then?
Am I explaining my behaviour—or using the explanation to defend it?
What do I need to learn about myself?
What would my partner need to see consistently to feel safer?
What am I willing to change even if nobody is watching?
And perhaps the most important:
If my partner never heard another explanation from me, would my behaviour still demonstrate that I understand?
IF YOUR PARTNER IS THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIR
You may be reading this from the other side.
You may be wondering:
“What should I look for if my partner says they take responsibility?”
Look beyond the words.
Ask:
Do they acknowledge what they actually did?
Can they hear my pain without immediately defending themselves?
Can they discuss relationship problems without using them to justify the affair?
Are they willing to answer reasonable questions honestly?
Are their boundaries clear?
Is their behaviour consistent?
Do their actions match their promises?
Are they willing to seek help?
Can they tolerate the fact that rebuilding trust takes time?
And perhaps:
Am I seeing evidence of change—or only hearing promises about change?
You do not have to decide everything immediately.
RESPONSIBILITY CAN CHANGE THE QUESTION
At the beginning, the question may be:
“Why did you do this to me?”
Over time, another question may emerge:
“What are you willing to do differently now?”
And eventually:
“What are we capable of building from here?”
Those questions don't erase the past.
They build upon it.
Because healing isn't about pretending the affair didn't happen.
It is about deciding what happens because you are willing to understand it honestly.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ACCOUNTABILITY AND COMPASSION
Accountability does not require cruelty.
Compassion does not require excusing.
You can say:
“I understand that you were hurting.”
and:
“I still hold you responsible for the choice you made.”
You can say:
“I want to understand why this happened.”
and:
“Understanding does not mean I'm saying it was okay.”
You can say:
“I want our relationship to heal.”
and:
“Healing requires something different from both of us.”
That is a more mature conversation than simply deciding who the villain is.
THE GOAL IS NOT TO PROVE YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON
After an affair, you may become desperate to convince your partner:
“I'm not a bad person.”
Maybe you're not.
But that doesn't need to be the centre of the conversation.
A more useful question is:
“Am I willing to become more honest about the person I was in those choices?”
Because you don't need to prove that you are perfect.
You need to become accountable for the person you were—and intentional about the person you choose to become.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY IS AN ONGOING PRACTICE
Responsibility isn't one conversation.
It isn't one apology.
It isn't one counselling session.
It isn't one emotional breakthrough.
It is demonstrated repeatedly.
When you're triggered.
When your partner is angry.
When you feel ashamed.
When you're tempted to defend yourself.
When the conversation becomes uncomfortable.
When nobody is checking.
When you would rather forget what happened.
That's when responsibility becomes real.
The test isn't whether you can say the right thing once.
It's whether your choices keep telling the same story over time.
YOU CAN'T REWRITE THE PAST. YOU CAN PARTICIPATE IN WHAT COMES NEXT.
An affair changes a relationship.
Sometimes couples rebuild.
Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes the future remains uncertain for a long time.
Taking responsibility does not guarantee that your partner will stay.
It does not guarantee forgiveness.
It does not guarantee that trust will return.
What it can do is give you a more honest foundation from which to face whatever comes next.
You can stop trying to make the past disappear.
You can stop explaining long enough to listen.
You can stop asking your partner to carry your shame.
You can begin understanding your choices.
You can begin changing the patterns that made those choices possible.
And you can begin demonstrating—not simply promising—that you understand the impact.
Responsibility is not about carrying shame forever.
It is about carrying your part honestly.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
What does taking responsibility after an affair really mean?
It means acknowledging your choices, the boundaries you crossed, the secrecy involved and the impact on your partner without using relationship problems as an excuse. It also means being willing to understand the patterns that contributed to your choices and demonstrate meaningful change.
Is explaining why I had an affair the same as taking responsibility?
No. An explanation can help you understand what happened, but it should not become a justification. You can explain the context of your relationship and still take responsibility for your own decisions.
Does taking responsibility mean the affair was entirely my fault?
No. Taking responsibility means owning what belongs to you. A relationship can have problems involving both partners without making both partners equally responsible for one person's decision to have an affair.
What if my partner contributed to the problems in our marriage?
Those problems may be important and may eventually need to be addressed. But they do not automatically remove responsibility for the affair. A useful distinction is between “What was happening in our relationship?” and “What did I choose to do about it?”
Is saying “I'm sorry” enough after an affair?
An apology can be important, but rebuilding trust generally requires more than words. Responsibility needs to be reflected in honesty, accountability, empathy, boundaries, consistency and changed behaviour.
How do I show my partner that I really take responsibility?
Be specific about what you did, listen to the impact without immediately defending yourself, answer reasonable questions honestly, maintain appropriate boundaries, follow through on commitments, and seek help to understand the patterns that contributed to your choices.
What if I feel ashamed of what I did?
Shame can be painful, but it is not the same as responsibility. Instead of focusing only on whether you are a “bad person,” try becoming specific about what you did, what you learned, what impact it had and what you are willing to change.
How long should I be willing to answer questions about the affair?
There is no universal timetable. The betrayed partner may need information and reassurance, particularly early in the recovery process. At the same time, not every detail is necessarily helpful. The goal is truthful communication that supports understanding, safety and informed decisions rather than endless interrogation.
Can I take responsibility without accepting abuse?
Yes. Accountability does not require accepting threats, humiliation, coercion or abuse. You can acknowledge the harm you caused while still maintaining appropriate boundaries around how difficult conversations occur.
Can a relationship recover if I genuinely take responsibility?
Responsibility can create an important foundation for repair, but it cannot guarantee a particular outcome. Rebuilding depends on many factors, including whether the affair has ended, whether meaningful change occurs, whether trust can gradually be rebuilt, and what both partners ultimately choose.
A FINAL QUESTION
If you are the partner who had the affair, you may be asking:
“What can I say to make this better?”
There may be no perfect sentence.
Try asking a different question:
“What can I consistently do that shows I understand?”
Because eventually, your partner may not need another explanation.
They may need to experience:
honesty.
accountability.
empathy.
boundaries.
consistency.
patience.
change.
And perhaps most importantly:
a partner who is no longer protecting themselves from responsibility.
HEALING AFTER AN AFFAIR™
At Merkl Marriage Counselling, we work with individuals and couples navigating affairs, betrayal, broken trust, emotional disconnection, accountability and uncertainty about the future.
If you are the partner who had the affair, you do not have to figure out responsibility alone.
If you are the partner who was betrayed, you do not have to carry the impact alone either.
We don't pressure you to stay.
We don't pressure you to leave.
You can begin together.
Or you can begin on your own.
Affair Recovery & Relationship Counselling
Langley, BC & Online Across British Columbia
If you're ready to talk, start with a free 20-minute consultation.
You don't need to have the right words.
You can simply say:
“I had an affair, and I want to understand how to take responsibility and repair what I damaged.”
That's enough to begin.
Merkl Marriage Counselling
Reviewed by Simone Merkl, RTC
If you're ready to talk, you can start with a free 20-minute consultation to see whether counselling feels like the right next step for you.
You don't need to know what the future holds before you begin.
You only need to know that something needs to change.
Healing After an Affair™Merkl Marriage Counselling
Book Your Free 20-minute consultation:
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