What Can I Do When My Partner Won’t Change?
- simonemerkl
- Aug 12
- 12 min read
From Control to Choice in Your Relationship
Simone Says™ :
A Relationship Perspective from Merkl Marriage Counselling
Have you ever thought:
“If my partner would just change, our relationship would be so much better.”
You're not alone.
Maybe you wish your partner would:
communicate differently
stop getting angry
listen to you
show more affection
initiate intimacy
spend more time with you
stop criticizing
take more responsibility
give you more space
stop withdrawing
And when they don't change, you may begin to feel frustrated, powerless, resentful, or hopeless.
But there is another question that can put some of your power back into your own hands:
What can I do?
This is where William Glasser's Choice Theory offers a powerful perspective for couples.
Choice Theory emphasizes that while we cannot directly control another person's choices, we can make choices about our own behaviour. Reality Therapy is the counselling approach developed from Choice Theory, focusing on what we want, what we are currently doing, whether it is working, and what we can choose to do differently.
For couples, this can create a profound shift:
Instead of asking, “How do I get my partner to change?” ask, “What can I choose?”
That doesn't mean accepting everything your partner does.
It means discovering where your own power actually lives.
💑 The Frustration of Loving Someone Who Won't Change
One of the hardest parts of a long-term relationship is realizing that you cannot simply make your partner become the person you want them to be.
You can ask.
You can explain.
You can plead.
You can argue.
You can threaten.
You can withdraw.
You can give the silent treatment.
You can keep bringing up the same issue.
You can try harder and harder to convince them.
But ultimately:
Your partner gets to choose.
And so do you.
That can feel frightening.
But it can also be liberating.
Because if your happiness depends entirely on your partner changing, you have given their choices enormous power over your emotional life.
Choice Theory invites you to look at the choices you are making.
🔑 What Does William Glasser's Choice Theory Have to Do With Couples?
William Glasser developed Choice Theory around the idea that people are motivated by their needs and that we have much more direct control over our own behaviour than over the behaviour of other people.
His framework identifies five basic needs:
1. Survival
Safety, security and physical well-being.
2. Love & Belonging
Connection, intimacy and meaningful relationships.
3. Power
Feeling competent, respected and that we matter.
4. Freedom
Independence, autonomy and choice.
5. Fun
Enjoyment, play and learning.
These needs can show up underneath everyday marital conflicts.
Your partner says:
“I need some space.”
You might hear:
“You don't love me.”
But underneath your partner's request may be a strong need for freedom.
You say:
“I want you to spend more time with me.”
Your partner might hear:
“I'm not good enough.”
But underneath your request may be a need for love and belonging.
You say:
“I don't feel respected.”
Perhaps underneath your frustration is a need for power, significance or competence.
You say:
“I don't feel safe with you anymore.”
That may involve the fundamental need for survival and security.
The argument may appear to be about dishes, money, sex, parenting or the phone.
But underneath it may be a much deeper question:
“Do I matter to you?”
🌎 Your Picture of a Great Relationship May Not Be Your Partner's
Glasser also described something called the Quality World—the personal picture each person carries of the people, experiences, relationships and circumstances they most want.
Your picture of a happy marriage might include:
doing everything together
regular sex
lots of conversation
family time
adventure
emotional openness
Your partner's picture might include:
independence
peace
time alone
physical affection
shared activities
financial security
Neither person's picture is automatically wrong.
But they may be different.
And those differences can become a major source of conflict.
⚖️ When Your Ideal Relationship Doesn't Match Your Reality
Imagine your picture of marriage is:
“My partner wants to spend lots of time with me.”
But your reality is:
“My partner wants a lot of time alone.”
There is a gap between what you want and what you're experiencing.
That gap can create frustration.
And frustration often leads us to do something.
The question becomes:
Is what you're doing actually working?
Perhaps you complain.
Your partner withdraws.
You become more upset.
Your partner becomes more defensive.
You pursue harder.
They withdraw further.
Eventually you both feel like victims of the other person's behaviour.
But what if you stopped and asked:
“Is this strategy getting me closer to what I actually want?”
If it isn't, perhaps it is time for a different choice.
🧠 The Relationship Pattern Matters
In my work with couples, I often see how quickly a relationship can become organized around trying to change the other person.
One partner pushes for change.
The other resists.
The first partner pushes harder.
The second partner withdraws further.
The first partner becomes even more anxious or angry.
The second becomes even more defensive or distant.
Eventually both partners feel misunderstood.
Both may believe:
“I'm only reacting because of what you do.”
This is where couples can become trapped.
Choice Theory offers an important question:
“What is mine to choose?”
That question doesn't erase your partner's responsibility.
It helps you identify your own agency within the relationship.
🐺 Fear vs. Faith: The Merkl Framework
This is where I bring another lens into the conversation at Merkl Marriage Counselling:
Fear vs. Faith
Fear vs. Faith is a Merkl framework, inspired by the broader principles of choice, responsibility and personal agency found in approaches such as Choice Theory. It is not a term created by William Glasser.
When we're operating from fear, we can become desperate to control our partner.
Fear says:
“If my partner doesn't change, I'll never be okay.”
Fear can lead to:
criticism
blame
control
defensiveness
withdrawal
threats
punishment
keeping score
“You should…”
“You always…”
“You never…”
Fear focuses on what the other person must do.
🕊️ Faith Asks a Different Question
Faith doesn't mean ignoring problems.
It doesn't mean tolerating harmful behaviour.
It doesn't mean trusting someone who repeatedly violates your boundaries.
Instead, Faith says:
“I cannot control my partner. But I can choose how I respond.”
Faith asks:
What do I want?
What am I currently doing?
Is it working?
What can I change?
What boundary do I need?
What responsibility belongs to me?
What belongs to my partner?
What choice moves me closer to the relationship I want?
That's where empowerment begins.
🚫 Choice Does Not Mean Blame
This distinction is essential.
If your partner cheats, their decision to have an affair is their responsibility.
If your partner is verbally abusive, their behaviour is their responsibility.
If your partner refuses to communicate, you cannot force them to become emotionally available.
Choice Theory does not mean:
“Everything happening in your relationship is your fault.”
It means:
“What is within my control from this point forward?”
That's a very different question.
Taking responsibility for your choices is not the same as taking responsibility for your partner's choices.
❤️ Stop Asking “Who Is Right?” and Ask “Is This Working?”
Imagine you're having the same argument for the hundredth time.
You say:
“You never listen.”
Your partner says:
“Because you never stop criticizing me.”
You say:
“I criticize you because you never listen!”
And around you go.
Instead of trying to determine who started it, try asking:
“Is what we're doing working?”
Perhaps both of you can agree:
No.
That can be a powerful place to begin.
You don't have to agree about who is to blame to recognize that the pattern isn't producing the relationship you want.
🔄 From Controlling Habits to Connecting Choices
Glasser's Choice Theory identifies behaviours that can disconnect people, including criticism, blame, complaining, nagging, threatening and punishing.
It contrasts these with connecting behaviours such as:
supporting
encouraging
listening
accepting
trusting
respecting
negotiating differences
That last one is particularly important in marriage.
Negotiating Differences
Because marriage isn't about finding someone who agrees with everything you believe.
It is about learning how two different people can build a life together.
💑 What If Your Differences Are Actually Part of the Relationship?
One partner may be more individualistic.
The other may be more relational.
One may need more space.
The other may need more connection.
One may process internally.
The other may need to talk.
One may be more direct.
The other may be more emotionally sensitive.
These differences can become:
“What's wrong with you?”
Or they can become:
“What can I learn from you?”
That is a completely different approach.
Your partner's independence may challenge you to develop greater self-trust.
Your relational nature may teach your partner greater connection.
Your partner's directness may teach you clarity.
Your sensitivity may teach greater emotional awareness.
The goal isn't necessarily to erase the difference.
The goal is to learn how your differences can complement one another.
🔥 What About Sex and Intimacy?
Choice becomes especially interesting when couples struggle with sexual intimacy.
One partner may say:
“Why won't my partner have sex with me?”
The other may be thinking:
“Why would I want sex when I don't feel emotionally connected?”
Now both partners are focused on getting the other person to change.
But a more useful question might be:
“What kind of relationship would help both of us feel more connected, safe, attracted and open to intimacy?”
Nobody owes another person sex.
At the same time, both partners can make choices that contribute to the quality of their relationship.
That might mean:
being more affectionate
having difficult conversations
repairing resentment
creating emotional safety
taking better care of yourself
showing appreciation
making time for one another
addressing unresolved conflict
The goal isn't to manipulate someone into intimacy.
It's to understand what conditions help intimacy become possible and mutually desired.
🧭 Five Choice Theory Questions for Couples
When you're stuck, ask yourself:
1. What do I really want?
Go deeper than:
“I want my partner to stop doing that.”
Try:
“I want to feel respected.”
“I want to feel loved.”
“I want to feel desired.”
“I want to feel safe.”
“I want us to feel like a team.”
2. What am I currently doing?
Am I:
criticizing?
withdrawing?
pursuing?
threatening?
controlling?
avoiding?
punishing?
keeping score?
3. Is it working?
Not:
“Am I justified?”
But:
“Is this behaviour getting me closer to what I want?”
4. What can I actually control?
Your partner's emotions?
No.
Your partner's choices?
No.
Your partner's willingness to change?
No.
Your response?
Yes.
Your boundaries?
Yes.
Your next choice?
Yes.
5. What could I choose differently?
You don't have to transform the entire relationship tonight.
Start with one choice.
One different response.
One healthier boundary.
One moment of curiosity instead of criticism.
One moment of listening instead of defending.
One conversation without keeping score.
💬 Simone Says™
You cannot choose your partner's behaviour for them.
But you can choose who you become in response to their behaviour.
That doesn't mean you have to tolerate everything.
It doesn't mean you should stay in an unhealthy relationship.
And it doesn't mean your partner doesn't have responsibility for their own choices.
It means you stop waiting for another person to change before you begin making choices about your own life and your own relationship.
❤️ The Choice Reset: A Couples Exercise
When you're both calm, sit down together and complete these sentences:
What I most want from our relationship is...
What I think you most want is...
What I currently do when I don't get what I want is...
Is that working?
The need underneath my frustration may be...
The need underneath your frustration may be...
I may be trying to control...
One thing I can actually choose is...
Then ask each other:
“What choice could I make that would help you feel closer to me?”
And:
“What choice could you make that would help me feel closer to you?”
Finally:
“Are we operating from Fear or Faith?”
Don't use this question to judge each other.
Use it to become curious.
🌱 What If Your Partner Still Won't Change?
This is perhaps the hardest part.
Sometimes you make healthier choices, and your partner doesn't immediately respond differently.
You may become more respectful—and they remain angry.
You may communicate differently—and they still withdraw.
You may stop criticizing—and they still refuse to engage.
This is where Choice Theory can become particularly empowering.
The goal isn't:
“Change yourself so your partner will finally do what you want.”
The goal is:
“Become clear about what you want, what you can control, what you are willing to choose, and what boundaries you need.”
Your partner's response is ultimately their choice.
Your response is ultimately yours.
Sometimes recognizing that clearly helps couples make healthier decisions about what comes next.
⚠️ When Choice Means Setting a Boundary
Choice does not mean endlessly trying harder.
Sometimes your healthiest choice is a boundary.
A boundary isn't:
“You have to stop doing that.”
A boundary is:
“If this continues, I will choose what I need to do to protect my well-being.”
For example:
“I'm willing to continue this conversation when we can speak respectfully. If we're yelling at each other, I'm going to take a break and return to the conversation later.”
That's not punishment.
It's a choice.
And learning the difference between a boundary and an attempt to control can be an important part of couples counselling.
🌟 The Real Power of Choice
Perhaps the biggest transformation is moving from:
“How do I get my partner to change?”
to:
“What can I choose?”
From:
Control → Choice
Blame → Responsibility
Fear → Faith
“Me versus you” → “Us”
Keeping score → Negotiating differences
Helplessness → Agency
You may not be able to choose your partner's next move.
But you can choose your next move.
And sometimes one different choice can begin changing the pattern between two people.
💡 Frequently Asked Questions
Can Choice Theory really help my relationship if my partner won't change?
It can help you identify what is within your control and what isn't. You cannot make your partner change, but you can examine your own behaviour, choices, boundaries and responses. Sometimes changing one person's participation in a relationship pattern changes the pattern itself. Your partner remains responsible for their own choices.
Does Choice Theory mean I am responsible for my partner's behaviour?
No.
You are responsible for your own choices and behaviour. Your partner is responsible for theirs. Choice Theory can help you distinguish between taking healthy responsibility for yourself and taking inappropriate responsibility for someone else's actions.
What if my partner is the one causing the problems?
Your partner may genuinely be contributing more significantly to a particular problem. Choice Theory doesn't require you to pretend otherwise.
The useful question is:
“Regardless of what my partner chooses, what is within my control?”
That might include your boundaries, communication, participation in the conflict cycle and decisions about what you will and will not accept.
Is Choice Theory the same as Reality Therapy?
Not exactly.
Choice Theory is William Glasser's underlying psychological theory about human behaviour, needs and choice. Reality Therapy is the counselling approach developed from that theory.
In couples counselling, ideas from both can help partners examine what they want, what they're currently doing and whether their choices are helping them move toward the relationship they want.
What are the five basic needs in Choice Theory?
Glasser identified five basic needs:
survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun.
Understanding these needs can help couples look underneath conflict and ask what each partner may actually be seeking.
What is the Quality World?
The Quality World is Glasser's concept for the internal picture people have of the people, experiences, values and circumstances they most want.
Partners can have very different pictures of an ideal relationship.
Understanding those differences can help couples move from:
“You're wrong.”
to:
“Help me understand what a good relationship looks like to you.”
What does “Is it working?” mean in couples counselling?
It means stepping outside the argument long enough to evaluate your behaviour.
You may have a perfectly understandable reason for criticizing, withdrawing or becoming defensive.
But the question is:
“Is this behaviour helping me create the relationship I want?”
Being justified and being effective are not always the same thing.
Is Fear vs. Faith part of William Glasser's Choice Theory?
No.
Fear vs. Faith is a Merkl Marriage Counselling framework, not William Glasser's terminology.
It is used at Merkl as a complementary lens for helping couples recognize when fear is driving control, blame or defensiveness and when they may be able to move toward greater choice, responsibility, boundaries and connection.
Does choosing my response mean I have to tolerate bad behaviour?
Absolutely not.
Choice includes the ability to establish boundaries, seek support, leave a conversation, reconsider a relationship or make other decisions that protect your well-being.
Choice is not passive acceptance.
Choice is agency.
What if my partner refuses couples counselling?
You can still work on your own patterns and choices.
Individual relationship counselling can help you understand your own responses, boundaries, needs and options. It can also help you determine how you want to approach the relationship when your partner isn't currently participating in counselling.
Can Choice Theory help with intimacy and sex?
It can provide a useful framework for exploring the needs and choices underneath intimacy conflicts.
Instead of focusing only on:
“Why won't you have sex?”
a couple can explore:
“What helps each of us feel connected, safe, respected and open to intimacy?”
Sexual intimacy must always remain mutual and freely chosen. The goal is understanding and connection—not pressure or control.
What is the most important Choice Theory question for couples?
One of the most useful questions is:
“Is what I'm doing actually getting me closer to what I want?”
And when you feel powerless:
“What can I choose?”
Those two questions can shift a conversation from blame toward responsibility and possibility.
❤️ A Final Question for Couples
Tonight, instead of asking your partner:
“Why don't you ever change?”
try asking yourself:
“What am I choosing—and is it getting me closer to the relationship I want?”
Then ask your partner:
“What do you want most from our relationship?”
And finally:
“What would it look like for both of us to move from Fear toward Faith?”
You may discover that your relationship doesn't need one person to win.
It may need two people willing to understand the pattern and make different choices.
And if you can't find that path on your own, that's exactly where couples counselling can help.
About the Author
Simone Merkl, RTC, is the founder of Merkl Marriage Counselling, providing marriage and relationship counselling in Langley, BC, and online across British Columbia. Her work focuses on helping couples understand conflict, attachment, intimacy, communication, relational patterns, and the differences that can either divide couples or help them grow closer.
Meet Simone →
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At Merkl Marriage Counselling, the goal isn't to decide who is right or wrong. It's to help couples understand their relationship, take responsibility for their own choices, develop healthier patterns and discover what becomes possible when they move from Fear toward Faith.
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