Can a Relationship Survive a Physical Affair? Why People Cheat and How Trust Can Be Rebuilt

Understanding Physical Infidelity Through Gottman, Terry Real, Sue Johnson, and Carl Jung

Discovering that your partner has had a physical affair can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship. The shock, anger, grief, and confusion often leave couples wondering whether trust can ever be rebuilt.

Questions like these are common:

• Why did my partner cheat?

• Can a relationship survive a physical affair?

• How do I know if trust can be rebuilt?

• Should we stay together?

• Is counselling necessary after infidelity?

  
  

While every situation is unique, many couples do recover from physical infidelity. Healing requires accountability, honesty, emotional courage, and a willingness to understand both the betrayal and the relationship dynamics surrounding it.

At Merkl Marriage Counselling, we help couples navigate the aftermath of physical affairs using evidence-based approaches informed by John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Terry Real, and the depth psychology of Carl Jung.

Why Physical Affairs Hurt So Much

Many betrayed partners describe the discovery of a physical affair as life-changing.

The person who once felt safest suddenly becomes the source of emotional pain.

Common reactions include:

• Shock and disbelief

• Anger and resentment

• Anxiety and hypervigilance

• Intrusive thoughts

• Loss of self-confidence

• Difficulty sleeping

• Fear of future betrayal

• Emotional withdrawal

These reactions are normal responses to a significant breach of trust.

For many individuals, infidelity creates what therapists refer to as betrayal trauma—a profound disruption to emotional safety and attachment security.

Why Do People Have Physical Affairs?

One of the most common misconceptions about infidelity is that people only cheat because they are unhappy in their relationship.

In reality, physical affairs occur for many different reasons.

Carl Jung: The Search for Missing Parts of Ourselves

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung believed people are often drawn toward qualities that reflect neglected or undeveloped aspects of themselves.

Sometimes an affair partner represents:

• Excitement

• Adventure

• Validation

• Freedom

• Confidence

• Sexual vitality

The attraction may be less about the other person and more about what they symbolize psychologically.

From a Jungian perspective, affairs can emerge when individuals seek fulfillment outside themselves rather than understanding and integrating these unmet needs consciously.

Terry Real: Understanding the Relationship Context

Relationship therapist Terry Real emphasizes that accountability and understanding can coexist.

The person who had the affair is responsible for their actions.

At the same time, healing often requires examining broader relationship dynamics such as:

• Emotional disconnection

• Unresolved conflict

• Poor communication

• Loneliness within the relationship

• Avoidance of difficult conversations

Exploring these factors is not about assigning blame to the betrayed partner.

It is about understanding what needs to change moving forward.

Sue Johnson: Physical Affairs as Attachment Injuries

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), romantic relationships function as attachment bonds.

Most partners want reassurance that they are:

• Loved

• Valued

• Desired

• Emotionally important

A physical affair often shatters this sense of security.

Many betrayed partners begin asking:

• Was I not enough?

• Can I ever trust you again?

• Do I still matter to you?

• Is our relationship safe?

These questions reflect attachment injuries rather than simple hurt feelings.

Healing occurs when couples create new experiences of emotional safety, responsiveness, and connection.

The Gottman Affair Recovery Model: Atone, Attune, Attach

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman developed a three-stage framework for recovering from infidelity.

Atone

The partner who engaged in the affair accepts responsibility for the betrayal.

This stage includes:

• Ending the affair completely

• Demonstrating transparency

• Answering questions honestly

• Showing empathy for the injured partner

• Taking accountability without defensiveness

Without accountability, trust cannot begin to heal.

Attune

Once accountability is established, couples begin exploring their emotional experiences and relationship patterns.

This stage focuses on:

• Understanding each partner's perspective

• Improving communication

• Exploring unmet needs

• Building empathy

• Repairing emotional connection

The goal is not to justify the affair.

The goal is to understand how the relationship can become healthier moving forward.

Attach

The final stage involves rebuilding trust and strengthening emotional intimacy.

Couples work toward:

• Greater emotional closeness

• Improved conflict management

• Healthy boundaries

• Increased trust

• Shared relationship goals

Many couples discover that recovery involves creating a new relationship rather than returning to the old one.

Can Trust Be Rebuilt After a Physical Affair?

One of the most common fears after infidelity is that trust is gone forever.

While rebuilding trust takes time, many couples successfully restore confidence in their relationship.

Trust is rebuilt through:

• Consistent honesty

• Transparency

• Reliability

• Emotional availability

• Accountability

• Patience

Trust returns through repeated experiences of trustworthy behaviour, not through promises alone.

Can a marriage survive a physical affair?

Yes. Many couples successfully rebuild trust and strengthen their relationship after infidelity.

Why do people have physical affairs?

Affairs can result from a combination of personal vulnerabilities, relationship challenges, unmet needs, poor boundaries, and individual psychological factors.

Is it possible to trust a partner again after cheating?

Trust can often be rebuilt when the unfaithful partner demonstrates sustained honesty, accountability, and transparency.

Should we go to counselling after a physical affair?

Many couples benefit from professional counselling because it provides structure, guidance, and evidence-based tools for healing.

How long does affair recovery take?

Recovery varies, but meaningful healing often takes between one and two years.

Physical Affair Counselling at Merkl Marriage Counselling

A physical affair can leave both partners feeling overwhelmed, hurt, and uncertain about the future. Yet many relationships recover when couples are willing to engage in honest conversations, accountability, and meaningful change.

At Merkl Marriage Counselling, we help couples recover from physical infidelity using evidence-based approaches, including Gottman Method Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy. Together, we work to understand what happened, process the pain of betrayal, rebuild trust, and create a stronger path forward.

If your relationship has been affected by a physical affair, professional support can help you move from crisis toward healing and reconnection.