Why Men Stop Giving in Relationships—And Why That’s Exactly What’s Destroying Them

“What you resist is not the threat. What you resist becomes the threat.”– Paraphrased from Carl Jung & Universal Law

The Core Issue: Men Stop Giving Out Of Fear

Many men shut down emotionally and stop giving in relationships—not because they don’t love their partner, but because they fear:

• Being controlled

• Losing autonomy

• Failing or being judged

• Feeling emotionally overwhelmed

• Not being enough

• Becoming emotionally dependent

  
  

These fears often hide beneath individualistic, avoidant beliefs:

“I need to look after myself first."

“She should just accept me for who I am."

“It’s never enough for her anyway."

“If I give in, I’ll lose myself.”

But this is not self-protection. It’s Thanatos (Freud’s death impulse)—the urge to withdraw, numb, and destroy intimacy to avoid pain. Men resist giving because they believe it will cost them power—but in truth, withholding is what disempowers them the most.

The Polarity Truth: Masculine Energy Thrives When It Gives

Like the Sun (masculine) radiating energy and the Moon (feminine) reflecting beauty, polarity works when:

• Masculine gives → attention, presence, direction, structure, protection

• Feminine receives → love, safety, care—and responds with joy, radiance, intimacy

  
  

When a man stops giving, he dims his own light.

The relationship starves. The feminine closes. The polarity dies.

Terry Real calls this dynamic “grandiosity masking shame.” Men disconnect to avoid feeling not good enough. But the way out isn’t detachment—it’s healthy relational strength: leading with love.

What This Does To The Relationship

According to Dr. Sue Johnson (EFT): Couples don’t fight over dishes or sex—they fight because they feel emotionally unsafe and disconnected.

 When the Masculine Withholds:

• He becomes cold, dismissive, or passive

• She feels unsafe and begins to protest, demand, or collapse

• He withdraws further

  
  

  → This creates a vicious cycle of rejection, protest, and shutdown

  
  

When the Masculine Gives:

• He shows up emotionally, even when it's hard

• She feels safe, seen, and secure

• She opens, softens, and becomes radiant

  
  

  → This creates a positive feedback loop of polarity and connection

  
  

Neuroscience & The Cost Of Withdrawal

According to The Gottman Institute and modern neuroscience:

• Emotional withdrawal increases cortisol and inflammation

• Chronic disconnection contributes to illness, aging, and anxiety

• Emotional engagement releases oxytocin, dopamine, and bonding hormones

  
  

So ironically, the very thing men fear—emotional intimacy—is what saves their health, their relationship, and their masculinity.

The Root: Disconnection From Self

Dr. Gabor Maté says:

“The question is not why the addiction—but why the pain?”

Men who resist giving often:

• Have unresolved pain from childhood rejection, criticism, or abandonment

• Confuse vulnerability with weakness

• Believe real men don’t need others

• Learned early that emotions were unsafe or “too much”

  
  

But real strength is presence. Real masculinity is giving from the heart, even when it’s uncomfortable.

 What You Fear, You Create

The man fears being controlled → so he withdraws. His partner feels abandoned → so she gets emotional or demanding, resents the pressure → and gives even less. She loses trust → and gives less warmth, joy, and intimacy

And now? He created exactly what he feared: disconnection, criticism, and power struggle.

What the Woman Feels—And How She Responds

The feminine opens where it feels safe. She closes where there’s emotional absence.

When the Masculine Withholds:

• She feels anxious, unseen, or unloved

• She becomes critical, controlling, or withdrawn

• Her feminine energy collapses

• Polarity dies—passion, play, and intimacy disappear

  
  

When the Masculine Gives:

• She feels secure and softens

• She receives and gives back joy, sensuality, and respect

• She relaxes into her feminine

• Connection, desire, and polarity return

  
  

What The Feminine Can Do:

The feminine also plays a vital role. When a man is retreating out of fear or shame, she can:

Inspire His Return:

• Appreciate his efforts, even small ones

• Speak from her vulnerability, not criticism

• Allow space for him to lead, even imperfectly

• Stay open to receiving love instead of managing everything

  
  

Feminine energy doesn’t demand—it invites through warmth, emotional honesty, and trust.

Non-Violent Communication & Couples Institute

All criticism is a tragic expression of an unmet need.– Marshall Rosenberg

When a woman is emotional, she’s often saying:

“I miss you. I want to feel close. I need to know you’re still with me.”

The Couples Institute teaches that healthy love requires both autonomy and connection. Growth happens not through defence—but through curiosity and responsibility.

SUMMARY: THE FEEDBACK LOOP

Masculine Gives 💪	Feminine Receives 🌸
Presence	Openness
Direction	Trust
Emotional leadership	Softness
Action	Appreciation
Structure & Safety	Radiance & Joy

He gives → She opens → She gives back joyfully → He feels purposeful → He gives more

He withholds → She protests or shuts down → He feels criticized → He withdraws more

Final Truth: Giving Makes You Stronger

• You don’t lose your power by giving. You step into it.

• You don’t lose yourself by loving. You find your strength through connection.

• You don’t get less by giving. You unlock her, and she will unlock you in return.

  
  

This is how you rebuild polarity. This is how you rebuild trust. This is how you come home to your full masculine self.