Why We Build Walls in Love—and How to Tear Them Down Together

When we stop taking things personally, we stop assuming our partner’s actions are attacks. We begin to see the pain beneath their behaviour. As we release blame, we reclaim our power.

In every relationship, there comes a moment when love feels just out of reach. We crave closeness, but instead, we find ourselves pulling away. We long for peace, yet blame and defensiveness take over. We want to feel safe—yet all we feel is guarded.

Why does this happen?

At the heart of it is something deeply human: protection mode.

When we feel emotionally threatened—misunderstood, criticized, dismissed—our nervous system instinctively says, “Guard up.” This is not a conscious choice. It’s an automatic survival response shaped by our earliest experiences of love and fear.

But here’s the truth: staying in protection mode for too long doesn’t protect the relationship. It quietly erodes it.

Why We Go Into Protection Mode

Psychologist Gabor Maté teaches us that when we’ve been wounded—especially in childhood—we develop survival strategies that served us once but now hold us back. In relationships, these show up as shutting down, lashing out, avoiding connection, or trying to control.

This is the domain of Thanatos—the death drive—our unconscious urge to avoid pain by disconnecting, numbing, or even breaking down. It’s not about being cruel or unloving. It’s about fear: fear of being wrong, fear of rejection, fear of not being enough.

As Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explains, most conflict isn’t really about what it looks like on the surface. It’s about feeling alone. When we don’t feel seen, heard, or cherished, our partner becomes a threat to our emotional survival.

The Doorway Out: Safety, Respect, Vulnerability

The path out of protection mode is not through toughness or logic. It’s through trust. When we feel truly safe—respected, validated, accepted—our defences begin to fall away.

This is where Eros—the life instinct—lives. Eros is connection, warmth, sensuality, and vulnerability. It’s awakened not by control, but by presence and openness.

The paradox? We often wait for our partner to go first.

“I’ll open up if they stop blaming me. “I’ll soften if they show me they care.”

But when both partners wait, no one moves. The ego wins. As Terry Real wisely says, “You can be right, or you can be married.”

When empathy loses to ego, relationships freeze in standoffs where no one feels safe enough to lead with love.

What Happens When We Stay Guarded Too Long

Holding onto resentment, blame, and unforgiveness might feel like protection—but over time, it becomes a prison:

• Contempt and Criticism: According to Dr. John Gottman, the strongest predictors of divorce.

• Power Struggles and Rigidity: As the Couples Institute shows, refusing to accept influence leads to emotional gridlock.

• Loss of Desire and Play: Without softness and joy, intimacy becomes transactional, and passion fades.

• Physical and Emotional Illness: Gabor Maté highlights how emotional disconnection and repressed anger can contribute to chronic health issues.

• Polarization of Energies: Without respect and presence, masculine and feminine energies polarize into dominance and submission, control and collapse.

  
  

When Even Our Partners’ Efforts Aren’t Enough

Sometimes, even when one partner shows up vulnerable and tries to repair, the other is too far gone—walls so high that love seems impossible.

This is why healing often starts within—not just in the relationship.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) teaches us:

Our partner is never the enemy. The real struggle is the painful story we’ve created about what their behaviour means.

The Key to Healing: Love Yourself to Love Them

When we stop taking things personally, we stop assuming our partner’s actions are attacks. We begin to see the pain beneath their behaviour. As we release blame, we reclaim our power.

When we love ourselves, we become capable of truly loving our partner—not to fill our own voids, but to share fullness.

Healing Solutions: For Masculine and Feminine Partners

Every relationship contains both masculine and feminine energies—regardless of gender or orientation. When balanced and understood, connection thrives. When they clash or collapse, disconnection deepens.

If You Embody the Masculine (Protector, Doer):

It is easier than you think.

Just be present with your partner—and don’t run away. Not physically, not emotionally.

Women need to be heard and reassured. When your partner opens up, try saying: “I care if you are hurt. You are safe with me. I hear you, I see you, and I validate what you’re saying. You don’t have to agree.”

Being present isn’t about fixing or solving; it’s about steady, grounded attention. This presence creates safety. It invites your partner to soften.

• Practice presence over fixing.

• Be vulnerable first: share your fear, sadness, or softness—it invites trust.

• Accept influence. Research shows successful men listen and let their partner’s voice matter.

• Don’t confuse pride with strength. True strength is saying, “I was wrong.”

  
  

If You Embody the Feminine (Feeler, Receiver):

• Speak your truth with kindness and clarity. Use NVC: “When you said that, I felt hurt because I want to feel seen.”

• Let go of over-functioning. Stop doing emotional labour to keep the peace. Allow your partner to show up.

• Trust your worth. When you truly believe you’re enough, you stop controlling or criticizing for validation.

• Open gently, don’t demand. Invite softness rather than collapse.

  
  

Conclusion: Letting Love Back In

Every couple gets caught in protection mode at times. The key isn’t avoiding it but recognizing it—and choosing, again and again, to come back to love.

Love cannot bloom where fear rules.

When we choose empathy over ego, presence over pride, Eros (Life) awakens.

In that sacred space, real connection isn’t just possible—it’s inevitable.

You don’t need to wait for a crisis to begin changing. Start by softening toward yourself. That is the first step toward softening your heart toward your partner.

If you’re ready to move from protection to partnership, reach out to us at Merkl Marriage Counselling. We’re here to help you find your way back—one healing moment at a time.

A Story of Guarded Hearts Opening

Let me share a story about Jake and Mia — a couple who seemed stuck in a cycle of blame, silence, and loneliness.

Jake, embodying the masculine protector, was quick to shut down or get defensive whenever Mia expressed hurt. He thought fixing problems or staying “strong” was his way to love. Mia, embodying the feminine receiver, craved reassurance and emotional connection but often felt unseen and unheard. Her hurt turned into frustration, which made Jake retreat further.

One evening, after a painful argument, Mia broke down crying, saying, “I just want to feel safe with you. That you care when I’m hurting, not just try to fix me or shut me out.”

For Jake, that moment was a turning point. Instead of running away or arguing, he stayed — really stayed. He looked into Mia’s eyes and said, “I hear you. I see your pain. You are safe with me. I might not fully understand, but I’m here with you.”

Mia felt the walls she’d built start to soften. Jake’s presence, his vulnerability, and his words of reassurance broke through her fear.

From that night forward, their relationship began to shift. Jake practiced presence over fixing, and Mia practiced opening gently rather than demanding. They both learned that love isn’t about being right — it’s about being together in the messy, imperfect space of vulnerability.

Conclusion to Jake and Mia’s Story

Jake and Mia’s journey wasn’t instant or perfect. It took patience, courage, and many small moments of choosing connection over defence. But by choosing presence and vulnerability, they rebuilt trust and safety. Their love deepened—not because problems disappeared, but because they learned to meet each other in the pain instead of running from it.

Their story shows us that even when we feel guarded, love can find its way back if we refuse to give up on each other—and on ourselves.

What the Masculine Needs to Do

• Be Present, Don’t Run Away: When your partner expresses hurt or anger, stay grounded. Your steady presence is the greatest gift.

• Offer Reassurance: Say things like, “I care if you are hurt,” “You are safe with me,” “I hear you and see you.” You don’t have to agree to validate their feelings.

• Vulnerable First: Share your own fears or struggles honestly. This lowers walls and invites your partner to open up.

• Accept Influence: Listen actively and allow your partner’s perspective to shape your decisions. It builds respect and partnership.

• Let Go of Pride: Strength is not being “right” or “in control.” Strength is admitting mistakes and showing humility.

  
  

What the Feminine Needs to Do

• Speak Your Truth with Compassion: Use “I feel” statements and avoid blame. For example, “When you walk away, I feel alone because I want to feel connected.”

• Trust Your Worth: Believe that you are enough exactly as you are. This reduces control and criticism.

• Stop Over-functioning: Allow your partner space to show up emotionally instead of trying to manage or fix everything.

• Open Gently: Invite connection without pressure or urgency. Softness invites softness.

• Practice Patience: Healing takes time. Celebrate small moments of vulnerability from your partner and yourself.