When He Numbs Out: What Happens to Love, Safety, Respect & Intimacy

Everything you want is on the other side of fear - Jack Canfield

Thinking with not overcome fear, but action will. - W. Clement Stone

In today’s hyper-digital world, many men are unconsciously numbing themselves with distractions—mindless scrolling, swimsuit models, porn, and fantasy. What might look like “just zoning out” or “just needing a break” often masks something much deeper: a disconnection from their emotions, their bodies, and their partners.

And while these behaviours might feel harmless or even comforting to the man in the moment, they often cause deep, unseen wounds in the woman beside him.

What This Does to Relationship Safety

When a man consistently turns to a screen instead of his partner, he sends a silent message: “This feels safer than you.”

To the woman, this can feel like emotional abandonment. Not only is she not being chosen—she’s being replaced by a fantasy that demands nothing and offers no real connection. This can trigger a deep insecurity in the feminine psyche:

• Am I not enough?

• Why won’t he look at me like that?

• Why is my body, my love, my presence not satisfying to him anymore?

  
  

Even when the woman tries to bring it up, she’s often met with deflection or defensiveness. That emotional wall reinforces the distance and erodes the foundation of trust and vulnerability that true intimacy requires.

This is where Relational Life Therapy (Terry Real) offers crucial insight: men are often taught to disconnect from their vulnerability early in life, and instead lean into grandiosity, avoidance, or false self-sufficiency. The real work is in helping men reclaim their relational integrity—where strength and sensitivity can coexist.

Eros & Thanatos: The Battle Beneath the Surface

This dynamic isn’t just about screens or sexuality—it’s about energy.

• Eros is the life force in relationships: it’s love, vitality, aliveness, sensuality, and presence. It requires risk, emotional honesty, and deep engagement.

• Thanatos is the death force: it shows up as withdrawal, detachment, avoidance, control, blame or addiction. It feels like safety, but it slowly kills the relationship.

  
  

What looks like a man scrolling social media or watching porn is often an unconscious choice of Thanatos over Eros. Instead of facing his fears, his shame, or the vulnerability of real connection, he escapes into something he can control—something that won’t challenge him or see his flaws.

Gabor Maté teaches that all addiction—whether to porn, substances, work, or scrolling—is not about pleasure but about pain relief. Men turn to these behaviours not because they lack discipline, but because they lack a safe internal space to feel and process their pain.

What Happens to Her When He Checks Out

When a man stops showing up emotionally, his partner doesn’t just feel neglected—she may feel unsafe, invisible, or unloved.

Over time, this affects her too:

• She may begin to doubt her own worth and become anxious, angry, or controlling.

• She may retreat into her own numbing: workaholism, over-giving, perfectionism, or emotional shutdown.

• Her erotic energy may freeze because she no longer feels desired for who she is, only compared to an idealized fantasy.

• She may lose respect and trust, not just in him—but in the relationship.

  
  

This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is invaluable. EFT helps couples recognize that beneath protest or silence are attachment cries: “Are you there for me?”, “Do I matter to you?”, “Will you respond when I reach?” These behaviours aren’t just conflict—they’re often heartbreak in disguise.

What’s Underneath His Numbing?

Many men weren’t taught how to feel beyond anger or lust. When conflict or emotional vulnerability arises, it triggers discomfort that they don't know how to name or process. That’s where the Anger Iceberg is useful: anger is often the visible emotion, but underneath is fear, guilt, shame, grief, loneliness, or a sense of failure.

Instead of facing these feelings, many men bypass them by self-soothing with digital distractions. They may tell themselves:

• “I’m just tired.”

• “She’s being too much.”

• “I don’t want to argue again.”

  
  

But what they’re really avoiding is intimacy, and the risk of being seen—and maybe not accepted—for who they really are.

The Couples Institute (Bader & Pearson) speaks to this dynamic as a difference in developmental stages. The numbing partner is often stuck in a stage of emotional self-protection, unable or unwilling to navigate the discomfort of differentiation (i.e., holding both your truth and your partner’s simultaneously).

Reclaiming Eros: How to Shift the Pattern

The key isn’t to shame men or vilify women’s reactions—it’s to understand what’s happening and make a conscious choice to turn toward each other, rather than away.

For Men:

• Replace numbing with presence. Cold showers, bodywork, breathwork, and time in nature can help you reconnect with your body and emotions.

• Use the Anger Iceberg. Next time you feel irritated or checked out, ask yourself: What am I really feeling?

• Be courageous. True masculinity isn’t about hiding feelings—it’s about standing in them with integrity.

• Choose your partner again. Look her in the eyes. Touch her with tenderness. Ask her what she’s longing for—and really listen.

  
  

As Terry Real says, “The difference between being a boy and a man is responsibility—not just for actions, but for impact.”

For Women:

• Name the impact using Nonviolent Communication (NVC):

  • “When I see you scrolling instead of engaging with me, I feel hurt and alone because I value closeness.”

  • This style opens space rather than provoking shame.

• Stay in your worth. His distraction is not a measure of your value.

• Create emotional space, not just confrontation. Invite dialogue over demand.

• Explore your own Eros. What brings you aliveness? What ignites your feminine energy?

  
  

Conclusion:

When a man numbs out, he’s not just disconnecting from his partner—he’s disconnecting from himself.

And when a woman feels that loss, she may stop fighting for the relationship, not out of spite, but out of heartbreak.

But there’s another path.

By facing what’s uncomfortable, by choosing presence over fantasy, and by learning to feel instead of fleeing, both partners can shift from Thanatos to Eros—from lifeless routine to sacred connection.

The key is this: True intimacy isn’t found in perfection or fantasy—it’s built through presence, vulnerability, and the daily choice to turn toward love, even when it’s hard.

Risk Assessment: Numbing Out vs. Showing Up

Category	When the Man Numbs Out(Porn, scrolling, checking out)	When the Man Turns Toward His Partner (Presence, feeling, connection)
Love	Love feels conditional or transactional. She feels replaced by a fantasy; he disconnects from real emotion.	Love becomes sacred and human. He learns to feel, express, and receive love authentically.
Safety	She feels emotionally unsafe: “You’re not here.” He feels internally unsafe: “I can’t handle feelings.”	Both feel safer. He becomes more regulated, and she softens because his presence is consistent.
Intimacy	Intimacy is blocked. Sex becomes mechanical, avoidant, or nonexistent. Emotional closeness fades.	Intimacy deepens . Real touch, eye contact, vulnerable sharing, and erotic energy return.
Respect	She loses respect for him as he avoids real life. He feels disrespected because he’s checked out from his own values.	Mutual respect grows. She admires his emotional courage. He respects himself for showing up.
Communication	He stonewalls or deflects. She protests or shuts down . Misunderstandings multiply.	Honest, vulnerable conversation grows. They learn to respond instead of react.
Masculinity / Feminine Energy	Masculine becomes passive or defensive. Feminine becomes anxious, controlling, or bitter.	Masculine becomes grounded, present, and loving . Feminine becomes radiant, trusting, and soft.
Eros (Life Energy)	Eros dies. The relationship feels dull, cold, or like roommates. Both may look elsewhere for aliveness.	Eros thrives. They play, flirt, feel alive, and take emotional risks. Desire returns.
Thanatos (Death Energy)	Thanatos leads: withdrawal, escapism, blame, addiction. Long-term emotional or physical health may decline.	Thanatos is acknowledged but not indulged. They use discomfort to grow.
What Happens to Him	He becomes emotionally flat, ashamed, avoidant, or angry . Feels stuck, unmotivated, and disconnected.	He becomes more alive, empowered, emotionally integrated, and confident.
What Happens to Her	She becomes resentful, lonely, and touch-starved. Starts to give up, look outside the relationship, or go numb, too.	She feels safe, cherished, and turned on. Becomes expressive, soft, and open.