How the Dragon of Fear Cycle Can Kill Your Relationship: Part 1 — King & Queen Archetypes
- simonemerkl
- Aug 11
- 5 min read
“What we fear in love, we often create — but when we face the Dragon of Fear together, we transform it into the guardian of our deepest connection.”
Relationships hold the power to bring us our deepest joy — and, at times, our greatest pain. At the heart of many struggles lies what I call the Dragon of Fear: an emotional cycle that traps partners in patterns of overwhelm and abandonment. In this first part of the series, we’ll explore how the dynamic between the King and Queen archetypes creates this cycle, and what it takes to break free and rebuild trust.
Why Archetypes Matter in Relationships
Relationships can be complex and confusing. Sometimes, it feels like you and your partner are speaking different languages or reacting in ways that don’t make sense. This is where the wisdom of Carl Jung’s archetypes comes in.
Archetypes are universal, symbolic patterns that live deep in our collective unconscious. They shape how we think, feel, and behave — especially in relationships. Think of archetypes as the “roles” we naturally fall into during love: the Leader, the Protector, the Lover, the Wise One.
By understanding these archetypes, you gain a simple, powerful lens to decode your own needs, fears, and reactions — and those of your partner. It’s like having a roadmap that helps you see not just what’s happening on the surface, but the deeper emotional currents driving your connection.
This deeper awareness can break cycles of misunderstanding, blame, and frustration, replacing them with empathy, curiosity, and growth.
Understanding the Four Masculine Archetypes
To start, let’s look at the four core masculine archetypes that commonly influence how men (and masculine energy in anyone) show up in love:
King — The leader, the keeper of order and responsibility.
Core Fear: Overwhelm — losing control or being vulnerable.
Warrior — The protector, bound by courage and clear boundaries.
Core Fear: Loss of freedom or autonomy.
Lover — The connector, passionate and deeply intimate.
Core Fear: Rejection or abandonment.
Magician — The wise guide, focused on insight and transformation.
Core Fear: Exposure of inadequacy — the “impostor” feeling.
While all these archetypes influence behaviour, this article focuses on the King archetype and how he interacts with the Queen archetype — an essential relationship dynamic that reveals how our deepest fears can mirror and amplify one another.
The King & Queen Archetypes: A Mirror of Fear
In myth and psychology, the King and Queen stand as symbols of leadership, loyalty, and stewardship in relationships. Together, they represent the balance of masculine and feminine energies in love.
But even the noblest rulers have shadows.
When fear takes the throne, the King and Queen can slip into insecure patterns that pull them apart, acting as mirrors that reflect and amplify each other’s deepest anxieties.
Meet the Dragon of Fear
Imagine a fire-breathing dragon that awakens whenever you feel unsafe, threatened, or unworthy in your relationship. This is the Dragon of Fear — an ancient emotional alarm system.
This dragon doesn’t just guard the past; it shapes the present.
When it stirs, it drives us into protective behaviours that ironically create the very distance and pain we seek to avoid.
The harsh truth? What we fear, we often create.
A Story of the Dragon in Action
Take Emma and James. After a long day, Emma longs to reconnect and share her feelings. James, feeling overwhelmed, retreats into silence, needing space to process.
Emma senses his withdrawal and feels abandoned. Her instinct? To reach out more, to bridge the gap. But to James, her increased pursuit feels suffocating, triggering his need to pull away even further.
Neither wants to hurt the other, yet the Dragon of Fear feeds on their reactions, growing stronger as their fears ignite each other.
The King’s Dragon: Overwhelm
The King thrives on stability and guidance. But when the Dragon of Overwhelm awakens, he fears that intimacy threatens his control, freedom, or strength.
Shadow Reactions:
Emotional withdrawal to self-protect.
Over-controlling behaviours to maintain order.
Stoicism to avoid vulnerability.
Shadow Forms:
Tyrant King — dominance and control.
Weakling King — avoids responsibility.
The Queen’s Dragon: Abandonment
The Queen nurtures loyalty and emotional safety. Yet when the Dragon of Abandonment stirs, she fears rejection, betrayal, and loss.
Shadow Reactions:
Pursuing and clinging to maintain a connection.
Demanding reassurance to soothe anxiety.
Over-giving in exchange for approval.
Shadow Forms:
Tyrant Queen — controlling to enforce loyalty.
Martyr Queen — sacrificing self-worth to keep love.
The Overwhelm–Abandonment Mirror Cycle
The King’s fear of overwhelm and the Queen’s fear of abandonment reflect and amplify one another, creating a painful loop.
The Cycle:
The Queen senses distance, feels abandoned, and pursues connection.
The King feels pursued, becomes overwhelmed, and withdraws or controls.
The Queen experiences withdrawal as rejection and pushes harder.
The King experiences pursuit as suffocation and retreats further.
Each believes they’re protecting themselves, but in truth, they’re feeding the Dragon of Fear in the other.
The paradox:
The Queen’s pursuit creates the very abandonment she fears by pushing the King away.
The King’s withdrawal creates the very overwhelm he fears by triggering the Queen’s anxious pursuit.
Why Relationships Pull Us Into Shadow
Love is powerful — it opens us up to vulnerability, which can awaken old wounds.
A childhood memory of being ignored can echo when a partner goes silent. A past trauma of control can resurface when a partner expresses strong emotion.
The Dragon of Fear thrives on these shadows, hijacking our responses and steering us away from our secure, wise selves.
Slaying the Dragon: Building the Secure Bridge
You don’t slay the Dragon by fighting it — you face it together.
For the King:
Name overwhelm calmly: “I need a moment to breathe, but I’m here with you.”
Stay present while allowing healthy space.
View intimacy as strength, not loss of control.
For the Queen:
Name abandonment without urgency: “I’m feeling a bit left out right now.”
Self-soothe before reaching out, so the connection feels inviting, not demanding.
Trust love can survive temporary space.
Together:
Practice transparency — speak your fears before they trigger reactions.
Show empathy — listen beneath the other’s behaviours to their fears.
Build safety with consistent, small acts rather than grand gestures.
From Fear Loop to Love Loop
When the King stays present through overwhelm, and the Queen offers trust in moments of distance, the Dragon loses its fire.
The push–pull becomes give–and–receive. The control–cling becomes steady–secure. The withdraw–pursue becomes connect–and–breathe.
Love’s greatest test isn’t the absence of fear — it’s the courage to face it together.
When you do, you don’t just tame the Dragon of Fear…You transform it into the guardian of your deepest connection.
The Dragon of Fear shows up differently for every couple — sometimes as a whisper, sometimes as a roar. Have you noticed the Overwhelm–Abandonment Mirror in your relationship?
Remember — it only takes one person to start shifting the dynamic. By returning to your secure King or Queen archetype, you can begin breaking the fear cycle and inspire your partner to meet you there.
King & Queen Fear Cycle :
KING (Masculine) QUEEN (Feminine)
-------------------------------- --------------------------------
Fear: OVERWHELM Fear: ABANDONMENT
(Loss of control, vulnerability) (Loss of love, betrayal, disconnection)
Reaction: Withdraw, control. Reaction: Pursue, cling, demand reassurance
or become stoic or emotionally overextend
Shadow Forms: Tyrant King / Weakling Shadow Forms: Tyrant Queen / Queen
-------------------------------- --------------------------------
↓ Triggers ↓ Triggers
-------------------------------- --------------------------------
Queen’s pursuit feels smothering King’s withdrawal feels rejecting
→ Increases King’s overwhelm → Increases Queen’s abandonment
-------------------------------- MIRROR CYCLE --------------------------------
Push–pull dynamic where both fears escalate,
each reaction feeding the other’s fear.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECURE BRIDGE
King: Names overwhelm calmly, stays present
Queen: Names abandonment without urgency, self-soothes
Both: Practice transparency, empathy, and steady presence
Result: Fear transforms into trust → trust fuels connection
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