"Strong marriages are built on a husband (more masculine) who continually pursues his wife and a wife (more feminine) who continually affirms her husband."
- Trey & Lea
In the early stages of most relationships, we often view our partner through rose-coloured glasses, seeing the best in them and feeling they exceed our expectations. However, this relationship dynamic can shift over time, due to neglect in the relationship, potentially leading to more avoidant and anxious attachment patterns instead of a secure attachment style. The good news is with awareness, understanding, and effort, couples can recognize and change these patterns to re-establish safety and connection in their relationship, paving the way for deeper intimacy and fulfillment.
The Importance of Attachment Styles in Relationships
Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping how we relate to our partners and how we perceive intimacy. Generally, women often seek emotional connection before feeling ready for sexual intimacy, while men may seek sex to feel connected. Achieving a "secure attachment style" enables partners to self-regulate and self-soothe, fostering a deeper connection and mutual understanding.
Characteristics of Secure Attachment Style
Self-Awareness:Â Understanding one's needs, emotions, and behaviours in the relationship.
Acceptance and Ownership:Â Taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact on the relationship.
Improved Communication Skills:Â Open, honest, and empathetic communication to foster understanding and connection.
Develop Empathy:Â Understanding and validating each other's feelings, needs, and perspectives.
Seek Therapy or Counselling:Â Professional support to address and heal attachment issues and relational challenges.
Practice Mindfulness and Self-care:Â Cultivating self-awareness, emotional regulation, and well-being to support a healthy relationship.
Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment Style
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may:
Fear Intimacy:Â Avoiding emotional closeness and vulnerability in relationships.
Avoid Responsibility:Â Difficulty taking ownership of their behaviour and its impact on their partner.
Hyper-Independence and Self-Reliance:Â Valuing autonomy and self-sufficiency over emotional connection and interdependence.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions and Needs:Â Struggling to communicate feelings, desires, and vulnerabilities.
Blaming Others:Â Tendency to project blame onto their partner or external factors for relationship issues.
Avoidance of Reassurance:Â Resisting or dismissing efforts by their partner to offer reassurance and validation.
Minimization of Issues:Â Downplaying, denying, or dismissing relationship concerns and conflicts.
Fear of Control and Enmeshment:Â Avoiding feelings of being controlled, suffocated, or losing autonomy in the relationship.
Characteristics of Anxious Attachment Style
Individuals with an anxious attachment style may:
Desire Closeness and Connection:Â Seeking intimacy, reassurance, and affirmation in the relationship.
Need for Reassurance:Â Craving frequent validation and affirmation from their partner.
Overfunctioning in the Relationship:Â Taking on excessive responsibilities and efforts to maintain connection and harmony.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries:Â Struggling to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with an avoidant partner.
Seeking External Validation:Â Relying on external validation and approval for self-worth and identity.
Desire to "Fix" the Relationship:Â Believing they need to solve or "fix" the relationship to feel secure and valued.
Healing and Transforming Attachment Styles for a Fulfilling Relationship
When avoidant partners heal and shift from blaming to taking responsibility for their part in the relationship, they can move towards their partners with love and connection. In turn, the anxious attachment partner can learn to communicate their needs lovingly and put themselves first. By restoring the dynamic of the husband pursuing and the wife affirming the husband, couples can transition towards a more secure attachment style, fostering a healthier, more fulfilling relationship characterized by mutual respect, understanding, and intimacy.
Understanding and addressing attachment styles is a crucial step toward fostering a deeper connection, intimacy, and fulfillment in marriage. By cultivating self-awareness, improving communication, developing empathy, seeking professional support, and embracing vulnerability and connection, couples can transform their attachment styles and create a secure, loving, and satisfying relationship that honours and celebrates both partners' needs, desires, and identities.
Benefits of A Secure Attachment Style
Benefits of an Avoidant Attachment Becoming More Secure:Â
Enhanced Emotional Intimacy: Avoidant individuals often struggle with emotional intimacy due to fear of closeness and vulnerability. Becoming more secure can enable them to open up emotionally, fostering a deeper connection with their partner.
Increased Trust: As avoidant partners develop a more secure attachment style, they are likely to trust their partners more, reducing the need for emotional distancing or detachment.
Improved Communication: Secure individuals tend to communicate more effectively and openly with their partners. This can lead to better conflict resolution, understanding, and a stronger bond overall.
Greater Relationship Satisfaction: With increased emotional intimacy, trust, and communication, both partners are likely to experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment in the relationship.
Reduced Fear of Abandonment: Avoidant individuals often have a heightened fear of abandonment, which can lead to defensive behaviours and push their partners away. Becoming more secure can help alleviate this fear, leading to a more stable and reassuring relationship.
Increased Self-Esteem: Developing a secure sense of self can boost self-esteem and self-worth, making the individual more confident in themselves and their ability to maintain a healthy relationship.
Healthier Coping Mechanisms: Avoidant individuals may use avoidance or withdrawal as a coping mechanism in response to relationship stress or conflict. Becoming more secure can lead to the adoption of healthier coping strategies, such as open communication, seeking support, and problem-solving.
Better Mental Health: Developing a secure attachment style and improving relationship dynamics can contribute to better mental health outcomes, reducing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other psychological distress.
Long-Term Relationship Success: Secure attachment is associated with more stable and long-lasting relationships. As an avoidant partner becomes more secure, they are more likely to commit to their relationship and invest in its long-term success.
Personal Growth and Development: Working towards becoming more secure can be a transformative journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself, increased emotional intelligence, and overall personal development.
Benefits of an Anxious Attachment Partner Becoming More Secure:
Reduced Anxiety and Stress: Anxious individuals often experience heightened levels of anxiety and stress in relationships due to fears of abandonment or rejection. Becoming more secure can help alleviate these anxieties, leading to a more relaxed and enjoyable relationship experience.
Enhanced Emotional Stability: As an anxious partner develops a more secure attachment style, they are likely to experience greater emotional stability, reducing the frequency and intensity of emotional highs and lows.
Improved Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Developing a secure sense of self can boost self-esteem and self-worth, helping the individual feel more confident in themselves and their value within the relationship.
Increased Trust: Anxious individuals often struggle with trust issues, leading to jealousy, possessiveness, and insecurity. Becoming more secure can help build trust in their partner, reducing the need for constant reassurance and validation.
Better Communication Skills: Secure individuals tend to communicate more openly, honestly, and effectively with their partners. Improving communication skills can lead to better understanding, empathy, and conflict resolution within the relationship.
Greater Relationship Satisfaction: With reduced anxiety, increased trust, and improved communication, both partners are likely to experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment in the relationship.
Reduced Fear of Abandonment: Anxious individuals often have a significant fear of abandonment, which can lead to clingy or dependent behaviours. Becoming more secure can help alleviate this fear, leading to a more balanced and independent relationship dynamic.
Healthier Coping Mechanisms: Anxious individuals may use unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as avoidance, overthinking, or seeking constant reassurance. Becoming more secure can lead to the adoption of healthier coping strategies, such as mindfulness, self-soothing, and problem-solving.
Better Mental Health: Developing a secure attachment style and improving relationship dynamics can contribute to better mental health outcomes, reducing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other psychological distress.
Long-Term Relationship Success: Secure attachment is associated with more stable and long-lasting relationships. As an anxious partner become more secure, they are more likely to commit to their relationship and invest in its long-term success.
Personal Growth and Development: Working towards becoming more secure can be a transformative journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself, increased emotional intelligence, and overall personal development.
Books:
Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How IT Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love By Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.